It’s the wee hours of 2018, 3:25 in the morning to be exact. I’m really sleepy but I just feel the need to write everything down. Firstly because I missed my yearly end-of-the-year-me-time, and also, because I think it is noteworthy that I thank the Lord, in my own way, how this year has been.
Describing 2017 is really tough, firstly because it started not quite right – with a SOFA (State of the Family Affairs) detailing the work I was tasked because I’m handling PSSP. Even before that I can feel that I have reached the end of my rope when it comes to that specific are of my life. At the end of the same year, I finally got the courage to tell my parents about it, and they, albeit grudgingly, agreed. I have to settle for that, because I feel, deep in my heart, I need this change and now is the highest, ripest, best time to do that radical change. So, here I am, braving 2018 with a prospect of acquiring a corporate job in the world.
Majority of my anxiety came from work, but my life in 2017 is not but without highlights. Some of them was being blessed to go back once again to UAE, even for a short vacation. It was good, because I get to bond with Jayson a good friend of mine. That day- his birthday celebration- was pure bliss, so great he captured a smile like this.
When I got back to the Philippines, I have to adjust to the reality that I am already in a committed relationship. It was no easy feat, until now. It has it’s highs and lows. Still uncertain of where it leads. That’s a story for another time, as I would just like to concentrate how much I’m thankful for things that happened the past year. Among them, is the blessing of love. I do not fully comprehend the meaning behind, or if it applies to me. I just know that despite the hardships, despite the many questions, it is love that I feel for this person. I have prayed for long, felt feelings for him for years, yearned to give so much love even if we’re not yet together, but here we are, as of tonight, six months in the relationship. Kahit ang hirap, ang daming tanong, ang sakit, mahal ko ‘tong taong ‘to.
This year, I just need to decide whether what I feel is enough for us to make this relationship into a lifetime commitment.
Okay, tama na. Back to regular programming,
I have the best support group that keeps me from sliding into depression. Sure, I get lonely sometimes, or I get crazy thoughts like running away, being suicidal or drama-like actions like crying on the floor, getting drunk, not sleeping a wink and so many others, but because of these people, here I am, greeting the year with with so much hope and courage that whatever I’ll face this 2018, I’ll be able to overcome and be a better version of myself. Family, old and new friends, best friends, lover, and of course the Lord.
He alone know it all.
He knows how I feel, what I think, what my doubts, fears and pains are.
For you alone Lord, I remain humbled, grateful and thankful for everything, for every breath, for every blessing, for every challenge, for every decision made.
Lord, this year I lay it all for you and up to you. I know I can do things, but I know I can do everything better and for the good of everyone if I allow you to lead me in everything in my life.
In my work,
in my relationship with Argel,
in my relationship with my family,
in my ministry – to be more in-depth.
YOU ALONE MAKE THINGS PERFECT IN YOUR PERFECT TIME.
I Still and Always believe in your perfect time. If you have given me this relationship as a lesson, please let me know how and when it should end, or should i still keep the relationship.
One of the biggest questions of 2017.
As for Work, I personally ask for forgiveness Lord for all the grudges and bad thoughts I have done especially to Mam Shirley. I know she meant well, but I guess the time is now to part ways. I thank you Lord because you allowed me to meet a person like her, and learned my lesson with her as well. To more lessons, Lord.
For everything, Lord. Salamat po. Maraming salamat sa patuloy na pag-gabay at pag-iingat ngayong 2018. Nawa po ay mas makilala ko pa po kayo at mas mapaglingkuran, mag-isa man o para sa ikakabuti ng ministeryong hawak ko. Thank you Lord for the gift of family. Of friends, of choosing me as one of Your daughters.