Life as a FANGIRL

So it’s been two months.

Dalawang buwan nakalimutan ang sarili at nagtrabaho on auto-mode. NA PARANG ROBOT.

Na gigising, tapos training, tapos na ang isang linggo, training ulit ng weekends. Tapos training ulit. tapos hinga saglit, nagtampisaw sa lawa, para lang bumalik ulit sa training.

Pero nagpapaka OA ako nyan. Syempre lumabas ako ng bahay para gumala. Masyado ngang jam-packed ang October ko. I got to meet new friends. Lovely, lovely friends.

I got to meet these awesome peeps, who share the same live for Richard and Maine.We are called the MaiChardSin9les Oh di ba masyadong pronounced ang civil status? haha.

It was like being sucked in a whole new world, so amazing because all of us have one particular thing in common, which is our love for Maine and Richard.

 

 

 

 

But the final tip-off that made me so thankful for having to meet these new friends is this:

 

Yes. When there are times that I feel like giving up,because I get exhausted with the every nega vibes. I’d just remember that aside from Richard and Maine that I love,I found friends I can share my life with.Or rather just this fangirling phase. But I know some of them will stay, others will go. Thankful for all of them, still.

 

 

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My unresolved illness

(c) Spiritually Single FB

Pagaling ka. Malala na sakit mo. 

Ikaw lang makakatulong sa sarili mo. Make plans. Solid plans. Stick to your plans. Actually (kahit di ka artista) do your plans. Magaling ka magplano pero pagdating sa aksyon wala ka na. Two things you need to acquire: discipline and self control. Discipline and self control. Discipline and self control. Among others. Marami pang iba. Sobrang dami. 

Learn to get to know yourself. Sarili mo muna ayusin mo. Naghahanap ka sa iba eh sarili mo nga di pa maayos. 

Do productive things. Do productive things. Organize your  life. Live less. Let go of the things you don’t need. Laziness for example. Replace with what you really need: Motivation – make yourself want (not just need) to do it. 

Do things for yourself-not out of selfishness, but as motivation. Don’t make rushed decisions. Think but do NOT overthink. Check your words before you speak. 

Oh please God, make even one of these advices to myself work. I’m so tired of being like this. 

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Paano

Paano mo ba ilalabas ang mga agam-agam, kaba at pagnanais na nakakulong na naman sa isip? 

Kanino sasabihin? Paano ipapaalam? Nalulunod ka na naman sa mga isipin, kailan ka magkakalakas ng loob na ituloy ang mga binabalak? Kelan mo hindi iisipin ang sa tingin mong iniisip ng iba? 

Kailan mo hahayaang maging tunay na masaya? Na magkamali ka man sa mga desisyong pipiliin mo; buong pagmamalaki mong sasabihin na ikaw ang tumayo sa desisyong iyon. Na hindi ka lang nagpadala sa mga ekspektasyon ng iba. 

Paano? Paano? Paano? 

Magsimula ka na ngayon. 

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Agos ng Alaala:Johnoy Danao inspired

Lasing  na naman ako sa agos ng alaala.

Lango  na naman sa pag-asa.

Pag-asa na sa aking pag-iisa, lalapit ka…

At ako’y aamuhin.

 

Ngunit malas ko,

ilang bote na ba?

Ilang gabi na ba?

Ilang upos ng sigarilyo ang nagkalat;

Ngunit ni hibla  ng buhok mo, hindi ko naaninag.

 

Marahil sa balintataw,

O di naman kaya sa panaginip.

Ngunit kung ako’y iyong sasampalin upang magising,

Gawin mo na ito ng ubod lakas,

Nang tuluyan nang lumayas

Lahat ng mga nagpapaalala,

Lahat ng mga bagay na ikaw ang naalala.

 

Huwag mo na akong bigyan

Ng kahit ano pang dahilan para umasa

At sa piling ng iba ikaw ay magpakasasa.

 

Ang gusto ko lamang naman, mahal;

Malaman, at tuluyang maintindihan,

Lahat ba ng aking inalay ay di pa sapat?

 

Sabagay, ano ba nga namang laban ng isang hamak na tulad ko,

Ibigay man ang buong buhay, puso at dugo;

Ikumpara sa kanyang magpupuno ng iyong puso.

Na kahit na ano mang pilit ang gawin ko,

Kailanman ay hindi magiging ako.

 

 

Kasalanan mo ito Johnoy Danao, nakikinig lang ako sa malamyos mong tinig. Kung ano-ano pumapasok sa utak ko.

Ang sakit sa puso. Pero wala naman tong pinatatamaan, namiss ko lang talagang magsulat ng tula.

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Courage and Liquid Luck

Not for the first time, I am here again kasi umaatake na naman yung sakit ko sa ulo, namely my topak. Ayokong isipin na tuwing sasalakayin lang ako ng topak saka ako nagsusulat, pero yun yung trend na nakikita ko.

So anyway, dahil nga gumising akong may topak sa ulo,  ang ending, walang ginawa kundi nahiga sa kama maghapon at nagbasa ng wattpad fictions. tweeted. checked for updates sa socmed. Oh diba couch potato na couch potato. Hay.

To add to matters, I’ve talked to a good old friend na matagal ko nang di kausap. but anyway to make it short, ayun. I said that I’m geuninely happy with the way things are with her life. She gets to travel, she’s engaged to a wonderful man. Oh diba it’s as if, she got this adulting part figured out. Please do not think that I am jealous of her, because I am not. I am genuinely happy for her.

It’s just that, I also long to have that kind of normalcy in my life. Pero diba nga dahil again may topak ako, gusto ko din maiba yung buhay ko.

Sometimes, I think about what if I sign up as an au pair? It’ll be an adventure. I’m in a foreign country, free to explore, without any expectations from those who know me. I want to know myself better, yung ako lang ang accountable sa sarili ko. Kakayanin ko kaya? Kaso naiisip ko pa lang, parang natatakot na ako. At yun, ayun na ang kakambal ng topak ko, ang takot. Kaya di ko magawa yung mga gusto kong gawin, kasi nauunahan ako ng takot, ng baka… ng pag-iisip. Gusto ko lang maexperience na gumora lang sa isang bagay na wala akong issipin na responsibilidad o expectation, kundi yung sarili ko lang.

I SOUND LIKE A SELFISH COD.

hay. pero ano ba ? siguro dito naman I can be free to say what I want.

 

WUHOOOO…. so tama na.

Ang gusto ko lang naman, explore a side of me na away from being a daughter, a sister, a leader. I want to explore the woman in me. The character  that is within me. What really..or rather, WHO  PRINCES EUNICE really is? Haynako, Sobrang cheesy and cliche but there yah go. Cliches are made for a reason. They are there so that you can verbalize emotions you can’t seem to name. But then again, it’s also hypocrisy to just stereotype a feeling to a cliche, so it should be used sparingly.

Potek ang gulo ko, sarili ko palang kaaway ko na. Inexplain yung pag gamit ng cliche tapos binara din yung sarli. KALOKA. >.<

I always wanted to write. Pero hanggang blog posts lang nakakaya ko. Namimiss ko na magflow yung creative juices ko. Yun bang malaya lang ako magmix and match ng words, just to project what I feel inside, na hindi cliche..okay slight.

I want to try my hand at drabbles, at fan fictions, kung dun ko man lang ba mailabas yung frustrations ko as a writer. Potek talaga, nakakaiyak. Johnoy is playing in the backgrounds, crooning to the words of Oo by Up Dharma Down. And it adds to my feels…

So bakit liquid luck? Wala lang, I am in need of courage, pero grabe iba din kaadikan ko sa katangahan eh. May update ako kay Mr. Positivity, kaso full-pledged Mr. networking na sya. hahahahaha. Parang isusumpa ko na yata ang strawberry-banana shake gawa nya. hahahaha

OMG. ngayon ko lang to inaamin. Masokista kasi ako eh. Alam ko namang networking naman talaga ang pakay nya. —-WALANG IBA. 🙂 Alam ko naman yun from the start. Never naman akong umasa na magkakaron ng higit pa dun. Gusto ko lang makakausap ng taong sobrang made-up na yung utak yung gustong mangyari sa buhay. Yung literal na alam nya yung direksyon ng buhay nya. Planado na.

Nakakatakot pala, and at the same time, I cannot help but to think about, paano naman ako? I suddenly reflected on what my life’s status is. was. will be.

Oo, I’m craving for intelligent conversations. Ones that makes you think masarap syang kausap, but if there’s one thing I realized, minsan nagkakaron na lang ng analysis paralysis….ako. haha nakakaintimidate. Ewan ko ba, minsan di ko na din maintindihan sarili ko. Kaya nga minsan pwede bang ireset na lang?

Drop everything and make this life anew.

Hay. So there goes, Courage..and liquid luck (na napakamalas, kasi networking pa more!) hahaha

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Hey-Yow What’s Up? A quick Update

I’m currently munching on some biscuits as I type this and I cannot help but find it that much has happened since my last outburst here.

Well, to start, Mr. Positivity turned out to also being Mr. Business-minded himself. Mr. Usana to be more specific. Hehe. Akalain mo yung networking na joke ng mga kapatid ko, totoo pala. <insert iyak-tawa emoji here>  They  even have the guts to us the term OPEN-MINDED. I was laughing inside as soon as I heard it, kasi naman, si Life naman kung makapag-biro, straight out from a cliche’d joke book.

Ano ba pinagsasabi ko? well I won’t go to the specifics so much, pero eto na here it goes, specific man to o hindi, basta i’ll narrate what happened:

Owing to the fact that I cannot contain my feels from my last blog post, I decided to copy and paste some of the realizations I had and posted it on FB. Eto namang si Mr. Positvity, called me out of the blue, say last two Sundays ago, just I was preparing for my training in Manila. He immediately asks me about that post – pertaining to my excerpt from the blog.

“Ano yung post mo? Tungkol saan?” He quips. To tell you honestly, I was genuinely surprised and touched that there’s someone who’s literally interested with what I have to share on FB, kasi as I explained numerous blog posts ago, na I just don’t post anything on FB. What I post, are clues to my being, How I can be happy, How I entertain myself, what I feel – small clues about me. So ayun nga, I told me, “Binasa mo talaga? Curious ka talaga?” With him replying in ascent, sabi nya, “Oo naman, pinost mo eh, Tsaka yang mga post na ganyan, alam ko na yan.”

Kinilig naman ako amp. HAHAHA!!! Naivete here. Looking back, ang sarap batukan eh. HAHA. Alam ko naman ilusyon KO lang to, pero di ba, rationale ko sa sarili ko, hanggat alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ako umaasa sa kanaya, walang masama. Besides, I’m just exploring friendships. I know full well that whatever this is, IS NOT the one I’m looking for. Oo na, di na ako magdedefend. haha. Moving on,

“Alam mo, mag-join ka na lang sa Financial Literacy seminar na alam ko, mga multi-hyphenated yung magta-talk sa seminar.” Ako naman itong si Naivete, syempre go lang. Interested, syempre, for my side, I also want to learn how to be mature financially. I want to know GENUINELY kung paano makapag-invest, paano magsave up for the future. So there i went even if it’s a Sunday, even if I have to pay PHP 150 for it. Come to think of it, business na business talaga sila ano? Ako na nga yung ijo-join nila sa network marketing, as they call it, ako pa nagbayad. Hay naku, Ikaw kasi, Nadadala ka ng mabulaklak na salita.

Ayun I endured long talks and testimonies of members of the said networking group. With all due respect, they are really multi-hyphenated, they are really people with so much experience and so many accomplishments, and they found this new venture, I admire them for it, but I have mixed feelings about it. Tsaka pangalawa, talaga naman eh. Kahit di ka nagmumura, mapapamura ka sa mahal ng produkto nila eh. 5 figures!!!! PHP XX,000

Di naman ako ganung kayaman para isugal yung ganung kalaking pera. And even if I have, I’d like to see it for myself kung may epekto talaga. So after the talk, I even managed to take photos with him and his fellow invitees, but I was non-committal about it though I managed to make inquiries.

So fast forward to a week after, translating to Thursday evening. Ang funny nung text nya:

“Happy September 1. Cess, matanong ko lang, ilan ang weight mo? and target ideal weight?”

Bwahahaha. Sinong hindi iikot sa kinauupuan nya dito? or sa kama kung saan ako nakaupo nung mga panahong iyon? Katatapos ko lang magdinner, tapos yun ang mababasa mo? I dunno but if I felt a bit offended, I rationalized that he really wanted because he wanted to help me lose it. Pero shet pa din diba? Well, I said to myself, pinaghirapan kong kainin lahat ng to, so might as well, come clean. I said. Nope, never going to repeat it here. hahaha.

He just said, “22 kgs huh? Madali lang yan.” Di ko talaga alam prends, kung tatawa ako o maiinsulto. kasi I’m not used to those kinds of conversations. Add to the fact that I know that he’s into health and wellness bsiness. Okay lang sana kung Health and Wellness Advocacy eh, maiinspire pa ako, pero chong, nasa Health and Wellness Business ka, networking pa. What does that make me? Do I have to draw the target symbol in my  forehead for you to connect two-and-two? (Bakit walang emoji sa WP??) hahaha.

Add injury to insult, a text convo with him, yet again. Sabi nya, isesend nya sa akin yung meal plan. Syempre from what I heard sa mga convo and orientation nung ‘FINANCIAL SEMINAR’ I have a gist of how much so medyo worried ako. Only to be confirmed and to finally come clean.

He gave me the meal plan, gave me a list of low glycemic foods, the list of supplements I need to take, how much would I lose in a day, in a week, in a month, should I take products. So sabi ko, ok naman lahhat, pero the next question is, magkano?

Gusto ko malaglag sa upuan ko, kasi nga whopping 5 digits yung price. All for the promise of me losing weight. and being healthy. Ok naman sana pumayat, pero naman, nakakalula naman sa mahal. Siguro naman if I control my stomach and my mouth and make well-informed choices about the way I eat, di ako aabot ng ganyang kamahal. So I finally said,

“Okay naman lahat, kaso to tell you honestly, I don’t have that kind of money with me. I don’t have credit card, because I don’t have enough credit history. I’m only back for a year right?”

So HIS Reply came monosyllabic in nature.

Because of this, I was medyo embarrassed, so I said, “I have budgeted my money na kasi on other investments chorva ekla, (thinking of my bahay for rent, na medyo tengga muna for now) to save face.

And then came, “Let’s meet tomorrow. I’m on my way to Makati kasi for a seminar this afternoon, kaya we can’t meet like we used to. I can explain it how you can make this an investement, di lang nman to health and wellness, pang wealth gain din.”

 

To which I replied, “OH, INGAT KA.”

 

So ano na mga bes, patay na bata na ba? haha. Goodbye Mr. Positvity na nga ba and Hello Mr. Networking na? Makikipagmeet ba ako sa kanya bukas? Abangan ang mga susunod na pangyayari kasi di ko din alam eh. Hahaha. Just felt like sharing. Iba naman ikekwento ko pag sinipag.

 

Pero realizations: Gusto ko na din iprioritize yung health ko. Pero di  ko  kaya yung way nya. Gusto ko na din ayusin finances ko, so dapat I must decide paano ko gagawin to. So if there’s one thing I’m thankful for, yun yung heightened awareness ko about Health and Wealth.

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I’m finally free

Kelangan ko lang talaga ilabas to eh. 

So I saw A again this afternoon. He was this silent guy na only talks to when spoken, and yet with a firm handshake. 

We never had a decent conversation, he never dared to initiate talks, he answered cryptic questions by Ate Che.

Guess what? 

I feel okay. I’m not as messed up as I was, and my reactions to his actions surpassed the expectations of Ate Che. Oh di ba record breaking? 

I think that’s the perfect description: I’m not as messed up as I used to be pagdating sa kanya. 

In a question by Ate Che, he was asked: “Bakit wala ka pang lovelife?” 

He answered: “Malapit na po,” to which Ate Che thought with some ‘air’ included.

Still according to Ate Che, he did so while glancing at me, as if gauging my reactions.

Fortunately(?) or deliberately if I may say, I am quite oblivious to what they are talking about but I must have been listening off-handedly. 

But again, checking myself, I am not as messed up as I was, I’m not hung up as before, and though I cannot fully admit that I am not affected (because apparently, it still warrants a blog entry), I would like to claim that I am over the idea of me and him. 

Siguro quiet acceptance. Ang tagal ng panahon para alagaan, kelangan ko naman i free up ang space sa utak puso at buhay para maging ready na ako. 

And I finally moved to that stage, accepting that some things are not really you think it seem, because it’s only God who knows what’s best for you. 

Kahit na buong angkan na ang nagtatanong kung kelan ka magboboyfriend. 😂😂😂😂 

Buhay nga naman. Well, this made me of lighter heart, kahit may sakit ako, physically. Ta ta!!

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Eunoia

Eunoia – From Ancient Greek εὔνοια �(eúnoia, “goodwill”, literally “well-mindedness”), from εὖ �(eû, “well, good”) + νόος �(nóos, “mind, spirit”).
A week,
A day,
An hour. 
A moment, 
Just a minute…
To reflect on what’s been going on 

is easier said than done. 
Feet are itching,

Mind’s wandering. 

Waiting, yet again
For the next eureka. 
For the next euphoria
For that simple eunoia. 
All that’s left to do is to take a deep breath…
Face and overcome the paranoia.
Random drabble. 

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Augustus Waters

Yep. I’m gonna call it. What a lame title, but hey, you simply just have to bear with it. Haha. To rationalize, it’s now the 5th of August 2016. Therefore, Augustus. Waters kasi….malakas ang ulan kanina. Wahaha.

I woke up once again in the middle of the night. So instead of trying to be in social media, I thought it would be better if I start writing again. 

What’s up, you ask? Other than I managed to survive another hill of challenges at work and I am on my way to new ones this August. Kaya naman, it just takes sweat, (a lot of ’em) sleepless nights, a lot of energy spent worrying and stressing (which I shouldn’t do, I know) and a lot of support from the family even of I end up giving them grief due to me stressing. 

Hay.

There are times (…when I just want to look in your eyes… Chos) ok eto, seryoso na. There are times that I think I already got the hang of this job, bit time and again there are lots of instances that proves me wrong. Ang laki pa sobra ng dapat long iimprove in all aspects, especially in decision making and maturity. 

Yep, parang I’m slowly…ever so slowly making my way to #Adulting101. Not that I don’t want to but of course, just like any first time, there is a sense of dread. Oh ayan nag ooverthink ka na naman. Tsk

So there goes career. Uhm, ayun sa  learning naman, I just wanted to share yung a tidbit of solid gold advice I have for the week. It came from Ma’am Shirley. She said,

Alam mo, marami namang knowledge na makukuha sa mundo. Kailangan mo lang kunin yung knowledge na maiaapply mo sa sarili mo. 

Well, words to that effect. Tama naman diba? Dami mo ngang alam pero di mo naman mai apply sa buhay. Para saan ang knowledge? To which I think I am guilty of. 

I must choose which knowledge should I choose in order to make my life better and worth more living. 

Ang amazing lang kasi sabi nga everyday, you get that chance to talk to someone and hear them how they deal with life. Di pala alo nag-iisa. 

Then there’s this old school mate, named Erick. Oh I know what you’re thinking. Kinikilig ka coz he’s a cutie. He just messaged me all of a sudden, dahil ni like ko ang post nya, he said thanks. I found that truly adorable. 

Tapos biglang all of a sudden, seryoso na ang usapan. About life, love, career and how one adjusts to it. He seems so serious, and yet so passionate. Positive, too. Kasi he advices me to be positive. Kesa kung anong mga pabebe. Haha. Medyo naguilty nga ako sa pabebe na part, hello, issues ko yan. But still, I listened and agreed to his points. Though of course, medyo cautious pa din. Di naman lahat ng sasabihin is iaaccept mo nlang, diba? 

Until he offered to talk with me over coffee bukas, (Saturday, kasi Friday na ng madaling araw) at 10 am. Gusto kong kutusan yung sarili ko, kasi di ko alam kung kikiligin ako, or magiging cautious ako kasi baka iinvite nya ako sa networking nya. Edi ba dun nagsisimula yun, sa pa kape-kape? 😂😂😂😂 

Wag ka excited, Nis. Wala pa. Ako naman I’m always willing to listen to people who I know can inspire me and help me through their experiences. Kaya dapat, yun ang mangibabaw. That is, kung matutuloy. Kasi naman may posts yata ako na pabebe. Eh parang di nya trip. What the hell, I don’t post on social media for anyone. I post for me, and di naman sya pabebe masyado. I just said, my mom wants me to have a boypren olredi, para daw di na ako masungit. Haha.

Saklap diba? Hahaha 😂😂😂😂

Tapos here goes peeps reacting on my post; and I’m sure tons of people who just saw my post and inwardly reacted not bothering to let me know. 

Ewan lang. Di naman sa desperate moves or anything. I just wanted to immortalize the moment. Kasi nga nagmoment kami ng nanay ko. Haha. 

Siguro overthinking to. (Oo, overthinking yan, sabi ni conscience) Bahala na. It’s just the first week of August, madami pa mangyayari. 

But I hope in all of them, I get to learn to appreciate life and use it well. Para di naman sayang yung binigay ni Lord. 

Augustus Waters: this August, let the light and waterworks pour in. 😉

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I seriously need a reset button in my life.  Or if not a reset,  a pause button,  perhaps? 

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