Thank you, 2017!

 

It’s the wee hours of 2018, 3:25 in the morning to be exact. I’m really sleepy but I just feel the need to write everything down. Firstly because I missed my yearly end-of-the-year-me-time, and also, because I think it is noteworthy that I thank the Lord, in my own way, how this year has been.

Describing 2017 is really tough, firstly because it started not quite right – with a SOFA (State of the Family Affairs) detailing the work I was tasked because I’m handling PSSP. Even before that I can feel that I have reached the end of my rope when it comes to that specific are of my life. At the end of the same year, I finally got the courage to tell my parents about it, and they, albeit grudgingly, agreed. I have to settle for that, because I feel, deep in my heart, I need this change and now is the highest, ripest, best time to do that radical change. So, here I am, braving 2018 with a prospect of acquiring a corporate job in the world.

Majority of my anxiety came from work, but my life in 2017 is not but without highlights. Some of them was being blessed to go back once again to UAE, even for a short vacation. It was good, because I get to bond with Jayson a good friend of mine. That day- his birthday celebration- was pure bliss, so great he captured a smile like this. 26236554_10204083085675360_2018077348_o.jpg

 

When  I got back to the Philippines, I have to adjust to the reality that I am already in a committed relationship. It was no easy feat, until now. It has it’s highs and lows. Still uncertain of where it leads. That’s a story for another time, as I would just like to concentrate how much I’m thankful for things that happened the past year. Among them, is the blessing of love. I do not fully comprehend the meaning behind, or if it applies to me. I just know that despite the hardships, despite the many questions, it is love that I feel for this person. I have prayed for long, felt feelings for him for years, yearned to give so much love even if we’re not yet together, but here we are, as of tonight, six months in the relationship. Kahit ang hirap, ang daming tanong, ang sakit, mahal ko ‘tong taong ‘to.

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This year, I just need to decide whether what I feel is enough for us to make this relationship into a lifetime commitment.

Okay, tama na. Back to regular programming,

I have the best support group that keeps me from sliding into depression. Sure, I get lonely sometimes, or I get crazy thoughts like running away, being suicidal or drama-like actions like crying on the floor, getting drunk, not sleeping a wink and so many others, but because of these people, here I am, greeting the year with with so much hope and courage that whatever I’ll face this 2018, I’ll be able to overcome and be a better version of myself. Family, old and new friends, best friends, lover, and of course the Lord.

He alone know it all.

He knows how I feel, what I think, what my doubts, fears and pains are.

For you alone Lord, I remain humbled, grateful and thankful for everything, for every breath, for every blessing, for every challenge, for every decision made.

Lord, this year I lay it all for you and up to you. I know I can do things, but I know I can do  everything better and for the good of everyone if I allow you to lead me in everything in my life.

In my work,

in my relationship with Argel,

in my relationship with my family,

in my ministry – to be more in-depth.

YOU ALONE MAKE THINGS PERFECT IN YOUR PERFECT TIME.

I Still and Always believe in your perfect time. If you have given me this relationship as a lesson, please let me know how and when it should end, or should i still keep the relationship.

One of the biggest questions of 2017.

As for Work, I personally ask for forgiveness Lord for all the grudges and bad thoughts I have done especially to Mam Shirley. I know she meant well, but I guess the time is now to part ways. I thank you Lord because you allowed me to meet a person like her, and learned my lesson with her as well. To more lessons, Lord.

For everything, Lord. Salamat po. Maraming salamat sa patuloy na pag-gabay at pag-iingat ngayong 2018. Nawa po ay mas makilala ko pa po kayo at mas mapaglingkuran, mag-isa man o para sa ikakabuti ng ministeryong hawak ko. Thank you Lord for the gift of family. Of friends, of choosing me as one of Your daughters.

Love,

Eunice

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Relationship Realization Rambles

Realization #1: Minsan gusto ko magsulat dito kaso nakikita ko yung sinulat ko last blog na nag goodbye na ako sa nega vibes na pinagsusulat ko dito.

Realization #2: Wala pala akong dapat ikahiya na ipost to kasi una, what I post, is a part of me. Kasama ang pag undergo ng mga difficult times.

Realization #3: Pagkatapos ko namang ipost yung mga ramblings ko dito, mas nakakpag-isip ako ng maayos, ng tama, ng dapat kong isipin. So I guess I will be back here often.

Realization#4: Lahat ng mga susunod na isusulat ko dito magkakaron na nag ibang flavor, dahil habng tumatagal, nagbabago ako, I hope for the better, and mas marami na akong mga realization na mas magiging kagamit gamit sa buhay.

 

Tama na pagja-jot down. The real reason why I am here is that because this is my first post as a woman in a committed relationship.

I will be sparing the minute details, angst, kilig, mga screenshots ng kakiligan ko at kaclingyness ko, pero kelangan ko lang talaga ilabas ‘tong mga naipon na ‘to, hindi dahil may gusto akong patunayan sa kung sino man ang magtatangkang basahin ‘to, pero dahil I need to sort out, organize my thoughts with this.

So tungkol saan? About relationship syempre. Bakit kung kelan in a relationship ka na, may mga ganitong paramdam? Correction: Meron na pala dati, pero sobrang idealistic mo pa nun kaya di mo considered tong mga ganito.

 

 

 

Exhibit A: Gusto sana manligaw noon, biglang nawala kasi nahirapan sa standards ko. Gusto ko noon punta sya dito sa bahay to meet with my homies, pero mahirap daw, so stop sya. Pero minsan chat ng chat kung asan daw ako, gusto daw akong makita. To think na may girlfriend sya. Tsk tsk, Di ko alam kung ano gusto niyang palabasin.

In the interest of anonymity ganyan na lang para di kita name nya. Juskooo effort. Pero sobra din to, nadamay pa pati boyfriend ko. Hmm. Ekis ka na chong, kasi kahit nakakakilig (Di ako ipokrita para di kiligin kahit konti) nakakaturn-off din talaga. I mean C’mon dude. Wag mo na akong idamay sa mga kalokohan mo. Eh para saan pa at gusto mo makipagkita? Friend lang daw? ano gagawin natin, titigan? I did turn him down in the most courteous and straight forward way possible. So there.

 

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Exhibit B. This guy’s a super good guy. He’s an active churchgoer. I don’t know when it started pero I guess nung naospital sya and I was the one who visited him. Siguro ang mali ko is I impulsively hugged him habang confined sya. Wrong move, I know. It sent him the wrong signal. Pero from then on, nung nagsimba sya sa amin, He kept close, gave not-so-subtle hints, pero gets naman. Sorry, dear. I’m not the one for you. I think.

 

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Exhibit C. Pero sa mga ganitong paramdam, wala talagang tatalo dun sa paramdam ng ideal guy.  juskooo ang hirap. Ang lakas makapagpaisip. Yun para bang sasabihin mo, “Shocks, tama ba yung pinili ko?” (Mind you, syempre yun yung first thought bilang tao. Bilang babae, pero bilang Kristyano, mali.) Yun bang kapag binasa mo, nakakakilig, pero alam mong mali. kasi dapat loyal ako sa boyfriend ko. Pero ito kasi yung ultimate what if.

As of time of writing, meron  ding isang good guy na medyo kakilig; although hindi sya ideal boyfriend, kasi workaholic sya. HAHA. Kainis lang kasi he’s naturally sweet. so let him go. Di lahat eh may gusto sa’yo, self. HAHA

Anyway, going back, dun ka sa what if makakapag-isip eh. Although, hindi mo sya dapat paghinayangan guurrrrl. Kasi hindi mo pa alam kung ano talaga intention nya. Just read the lines. Yes nakakakilig. pero he’s also testing waters. You fully know as well na he has been testing waters from someone else na din. So ano, shop until you drop ngayon. Hmm ikaw ha, ideal ka nga pero I don’t think that it’s the right time…if ever magkaron man tayo ng right time.

 

Bottomline realization:

Siguro I need to be more open with my boyfriend. I don’t know yet if I need to tell him this. I know in myself that I love him. Minsan syempre may gusto ako, yung maging mas sweet sya, or clingy, pero hindi sya ganun eh. But when he say HE LOVES ME, I believe. I believe that this relationship is given by God. I believe that he is the center of our relationship. I beleive na marami pa kaming kakaharapin bilang magkatipan (naks!) pero basta kasama namin si Lord, walang makakahadlang.

Maybe I made this post so that I can realize that I have everything I need right here with me. He is mine, as I am his. What else do I need more? Parehas kaming hindi perpekto, parehas kaming marami pang dapat ayusin sa pag-uugali, sa pag-iisip, pero with God’s grace, andito kami parehas na lumalaban.

 

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Hey love, you know what? I promised myself that to whomever I will marry, that I will let them read this blog. Eto ako dati, eto ako ngayon. Sana kung pagtatyagaan mo tong basahin, sana malaman mong nung isang araw na umuulan, nakikinig ng mga love song sa radyo, sinusulat ko na sa kabila ng marami kong nakikilalang mga tao, sa’yo at sa’yo pa rin ako babalik. Ikaw at ikaw pa din ang aking mahal. I love you.

Thank you Lord, kasi ikaw ang may bigay nito sa akin. Thank you Lord kasi ikaw din ang nagshape sa akin, sa pag-iisip, sa pag-uugali, sa pagkilos, sa lahat ng bagay. Salamat po, Panginoon.

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A much-needed realization

You’ll realize that you’ll forever be his student and he’ll always have the final say because you still won’t get all the answers right no matter who you are or how much you know. You still need his confirmation. You still need his approval. He’s always going to know better. He’s always going to prepare you for the hardest tests so you can achieve the greatest score

 

 

As an adult, you think when you reach a certain age that you already know too much. You’ve gone through enough experiences in life that taught you so much about love, heartbreak, wisdom, pain, healing and starting over. You’ve met enough people who taught you how to determine who’s right or wrong, who’s honest and…

via The Moment You Realize That God Is Not Done Teaching You Important Lessons — Thought Catalog

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Devotional thought 6-28-2017 — Devotional Thoughts

But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, James 1:6‭-‬7 NASB This passage blew my mind for a second. The man […]

via Devotional thought 6-28-2017 — Devotional Thoughts

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Adieu, Old Self

I say goodbye to so many things beginning today.

I say goodbye to hurt, questions, anxiousness, improper thoughts and all the negative things in my life. I have had enough of them.

Yesterday was a perfect example. I was super conscious with my weight. While I acknowledge that there is still more to improve in my physical body, I guess it’s high time to acknowledge that it all starts with the mind. THE MINDSET. It starts within, It starts with me.

While I am very thankful for all the things I have learned of the yesterdays, I realize that what is important is the art of fulfilling today and tomorrow.

I have enough of the rants, questions, negative thoughts that I have dumped here all through out the years. I want to change for the better. I want to make this more meaningful, my life meaningful, all in the GLORY OF GOD. I think it’s high time to focus.

I used to think that when the time comes that I be engaged in a relationship, I will be fully matured, better-knowing, ready to face challenges without batting an eyelash. I would be this successful career woman already raking in money, doing a job I want.

If I look at my plan in life, I would say that I am far from that successful woman I have in my mind. But fear not, when I look at God’s plan, I am now on track with His plans for me.

Career-wise, I am not the media person I envision myself to be, but I am this Operations Manager, who should learn to take things systematically in order to run the business profitably. If you’d read my former blogs, I was once this lost girl forever asking what is was God’s plan for me, because I do not want to be in this line of work. But now I realized, God has allowed me to undergo that kind of struggle, because He knows I will come out a better individual, and He has given me gifts that enable me to handle the challenges He gave and I will continue to meet in this line of work.

Physically,  I am far from my ideal weight. I still need to curb my cravings, and need to choose healthier options when it comes to food. But with a heightened awareness to a healthier and better lifestyle choices, I am undergoing a process of change- physically. Starting with the goal of losing 20 kilos.

Emotionally – God has blessed me so much in the area of love life and proved to me that time and again, because I prayed for Him to heal my heart and prepare me for His plans when it comes to my love life, I am now so proud to say, that He has answered my prayer. I now have a boyfriend. Someone who has been the object of my attention years before. It happened so unexpectedly, and without me actively wishing for it, but it seems that God has plans for me this year. We are now going on our third week of relationship. It is no easy feat; but by the grace of God, we are establishing our relationship to the the best of our ability. I thank the Lord for this man. He proved that when you trust God and wait on Him, He will give you the desires of the heart. (Of course in accordance to His will! :))

Spiritually – I have been renewed and reawakened with the thirst of knowing Jesus more in my life. I must admit I have been busy with other things, but now. I’m making a promise to God and myself that I will strive with all my might to make my relationship with God my utmost priority, above all else. I have impure thoughts, I have done so many sins. But never have I felt that God left me. In fact, He is my saving grace, who always, always always saves me from my sins, who never gets tired to make me feel that I am His child. Thank you Lord for Your never ceasing love. I have been on that deep dark end where I do everything because it was necessary, but because You have never ever given up on me, here I am again Lord, make me Your servant. Cleanse me truly, let me be free from bondage.

So I say adieu to the old grumpy, whiny, anxious, worrisome, overthinking Eunice. I will now say hello to a new Eunice. The girl who entrusts everything to GOD. Who may not know everything but knows that IF GOD IS WITH ME, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME?

THIS IS MY FIRST POST THIS 2017! Hooray for a full year of positivity! ❤

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Life as a FANGIRL

So it’s been two months.

Dalawang buwan nakalimutan ang sarili at nagtrabaho on auto-mode. NA PARANG ROBOT.

Na gigising, tapos training, tapos na ang isang linggo, training ulit ng weekends. Tapos training ulit. tapos hinga saglit, nagtampisaw sa lawa, para lang bumalik ulit sa training.

Pero nagpapaka OA ako nyan. Syempre lumabas ako ng bahay para gumala. Masyado ngang jam-packed ang October ko. I got to meet new friends. Lovely, lovely friends.

I got to meet these awesome peeps, who share the same live for Richard and Maine.We are called the MaiChardSin9les Oh di ba masyadong pronounced ang civil status? haha.

It was like being sucked in a whole new world, so amazing because all of us have one particular thing in common, which is our love for Maine and Richard.

 

 

 

 

But the final tip-off that made me so thankful for having to meet these new friends is this:

 

Yes. When there are times that I feel like giving up,because I get exhausted with the every nega vibes. I’d just remember that aside from Richard and Maine that I love,I found friends I can share my life with.Or rather just this fangirling phase. But I know some of them will stay, others will go. Thankful for all of them, still.

 

 

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My unresolved illness

(c) Spiritually Single FB

Pagaling ka. Malala na sakit mo. 

Ikaw lang makakatulong sa sarili mo. Make plans. Solid plans. Stick to your plans. Actually (kahit di ka artista) do your plans. Magaling ka magplano pero pagdating sa aksyon wala ka na. Two things you need to acquire: discipline and self control. Discipline and self control. Discipline and self control. Among others. Marami pang iba. Sobrang dami. 

Learn to get to know yourself. Sarili mo muna ayusin mo. Naghahanap ka sa iba eh sarili mo nga di pa maayos. 

Do productive things. Do productive things. Organize your  life. Live less. Let go of the things you don’t need. Laziness for example. Replace with what you really need: Motivation – make yourself want (not just need) to do it. 

Do things for yourself-not out of selfishness, but as motivation. Don’t make rushed decisions. Think but do NOT overthink. Check your words before you speak. 

Oh please God, make even one of these advices to myself work. I’m so tired of being like this. 

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Paano

Paano mo ba ilalabas ang mga agam-agam, kaba at pagnanais na nakakulong na naman sa isip? 

Kanino sasabihin? Paano ipapaalam? Nalulunod ka na naman sa mga isipin, kailan ka magkakalakas ng loob na ituloy ang mga binabalak? Kelan mo hindi iisipin ang sa tingin mong iniisip ng iba? 

Kailan mo hahayaang maging tunay na masaya? Na magkamali ka man sa mga desisyong pipiliin mo; buong pagmamalaki mong sasabihin na ikaw ang tumayo sa desisyong iyon. Na hindi ka lang nagpadala sa mga ekspektasyon ng iba. 

Paano? Paano? Paano? 

Magsimula ka na ngayon. 

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Agos ng Alaala:Johnoy Danao inspired

Lasing  na naman ako sa agos ng alaala.

Lango  na naman sa pag-asa.

Pag-asa na sa aking pag-iisa, lalapit ka…

At ako’y aamuhin.

 

Ngunit malas ko,

ilang bote na ba?

Ilang gabi na ba?

Ilang upos ng sigarilyo ang nagkalat;

Ngunit ni hibla  ng buhok mo, hindi ko naaninag.

 

Marahil sa balintataw,

O di naman kaya sa panaginip.

Ngunit kung ako’y iyong sasampalin upang magising,

Gawin mo na ito ng ubod lakas,

Nang tuluyan nang lumayas

Lahat ng mga nagpapaalala,

Lahat ng mga bagay na ikaw ang naalala.

 

Huwag mo na akong bigyan

Ng kahit ano pang dahilan para umasa

At sa piling ng iba ikaw ay magpakasasa.

 

Ang gusto ko lamang naman, mahal;

Malaman, at tuluyang maintindihan,

Lahat ba ng aking inalay ay di pa sapat?

 

Sabagay, ano ba nga namang laban ng isang hamak na tulad ko,

Ibigay man ang buong buhay, puso at dugo;

Ikumpara sa kanyang magpupuno ng iyong puso.

Na kahit na ano mang pilit ang gawin ko,

Kailanman ay hindi magiging ako.

 

 

Kasalanan mo ito Johnoy Danao, nakikinig lang ako sa malamyos mong tinig. Kung ano-ano pumapasok sa utak ko.

Ang sakit sa puso. Pero wala naman tong pinatatamaan, namiss ko lang talagang magsulat ng tula.

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Courage and Liquid Luck

Not for the first time, I am here again kasi umaatake na naman yung sakit ko sa ulo, namely my topak. Ayokong isipin na tuwing sasalakayin lang ako ng topak saka ako nagsusulat, pero yun yung trend na nakikita ko.

So anyway, dahil nga gumising akong may topak sa ulo,  ang ending, walang ginawa kundi nahiga sa kama maghapon at nagbasa ng wattpad fictions. tweeted. checked for updates sa socmed. Oh diba couch potato na couch potato. Hay.

To add to matters, I’ve talked to a good old friend na matagal ko nang di kausap. but anyway to make it short, ayun. I said that I’m geuninely happy with the way things are with her life. She gets to travel, she’s engaged to a wonderful man. Oh diba it’s as if, she got this adulting part figured out. Please do not think that I am jealous of her, because I am not. I am genuinely happy for her.

It’s just that, I also long to have that kind of normalcy in my life. Pero diba nga dahil again may topak ako, gusto ko din maiba yung buhay ko.

Sometimes, I think about what if I sign up as an au pair? It’ll be an adventure. I’m in a foreign country, free to explore, without any expectations from those who know me. I want to know myself better, yung ako lang ang accountable sa sarili ko. Kakayanin ko kaya? Kaso naiisip ko pa lang, parang natatakot na ako. At yun, ayun na ang kakambal ng topak ko, ang takot. Kaya di ko magawa yung mga gusto kong gawin, kasi nauunahan ako ng takot, ng baka… ng pag-iisip. Gusto ko lang maexperience na gumora lang sa isang bagay na wala akong issipin na responsibilidad o expectation, kundi yung sarili ko lang.

I SOUND LIKE A SELFISH COD.

hay. pero ano ba ? siguro dito naman I can be free to say what I want.

 

WUHOOOO…. so tama na.

Ang gusto ko lang naman, explore a side of me na away from being a daughter, a sister, a leader. I want to explore the woman in me. The character  that is within me. What really..or rather, WHO  PRINCES EUNICE really is? Haynako, Sobrang cheesy and cliche but there yah go. Cliches are made for a reason. They are there so that you can verbalize emotions you can’t seem to name. But then again, it’s also hypocrisy to just stereotype a feeling to a cliche, so it should be used sparingly.

Potek ang gulo ko, sarili ko palang kaaway ko na. Inexplain yung pag gamit ng cliche tapos binara din yung sarli. KALOKA. >.<

I always wanted to write. Pero hanggang blog posts lang nakakaya ko. Namimiss ko na magflow yung creative juices ko. Yun bang malaya lang ako magmix and match ng words, just to project what I feel inside, na hindi cliche..okay slight.

I want to try my hand at drabbles, at fan fictions, kung dun ko man lang ba mailabas yung frustrations ko as a writer. Potek talaga, nakakaiyak. Johnoy is playing in the backgrounds, crooning to the words of Oo by Up Dharma Down. And it adds to my feels…

So bakit liquid luck? Wala lang, I am in need of courage, pero grabe iba din kaadikan ko sa katangahan eh. May update ako kay Mr. Positivity, kaso full-pledged Mr. networking na sya. hahahahaha. Parang isusumpa ko na yata ang strawberry-banana shake gawa nya. hahahaha

OMG. ngayon ko lang to inaamin. Masokista kasi ako eh. Alam ko namang networking naman talaga ang pakay nya. —-WALANG IBA. 🙂 Alam ko naman yun from the start. Never naman akong umasa na magkakaron ng higit pa dun. Gusto ko lang makakausap ng taong sobrang made-up na yung utak yung gustong mangyari sa buhay. Yung literal na alam nya yung direksyon ng buhay nya. Planado na.

Nakakatakot pala, and at the same time, I cannot help but to think about, paano naman ako? I suddenly reflected on what my life’s status is. was. will be.

Oo, I’m craving for intelligent conversations. Ones that makes you think masarap syang kausap, but if there’s one thing I realized, minsan nagkakaron na lang ng analysis paralysis….ako. haha nakakaintimidate. Ewan ko ba, minsan di ko na din maintindihan sarili ko. Kaya nga minsan pwede bang ireset na lang?

Drop everything and make this life anew.

Hay. So there goes, Courage..and liquid luck (na napakamalas, kasi networking pa more!) hahaha

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