nand’yan ka na naman
tinutukso-tukso ang aking puso
ilang ulit na bang
iniiwasan ka di na natuto
sulyap ng ‘yong mata
laging nadarama kahit malayo, ooh
lalapit-lapit pa di na natuto
isang ngiti mo lang
at ako’y napapaamo
yakapin mong minsan
ay muling magbabalik sa’yo
na walang kalaban-laban
ang puso ko’y tanging iyo lamang
A famous old school song from the Philippines. What could perfectly describe how I feel right now. It’s funny how true the quote that says if you’re happy, you enjoy songs, but if you’re sad, then you can understand the lyrics of the song. However I am not happy nor unhappy, but could not help but remember this song as of my state today.
What can I say, I’d like to convince myself that I’m finally okay; that I’m finally back to looking at him as a friend. But so the song goes, andyan ka na naman, tinutukso tukso ang aking puso… I want to be angry at myself, but I just can’t help it. I I feel all tingly and tiny heart flutters. I’m getting tired of me writing all how mushy and cheesy, but then, this is my therapy, my way of telling and getting it out of my system.
Although as I look back, I know I have become at peace with myself at some point. I know now that what I feel is not fueled by urgency or ‘passion’. Hindi na ako nagmamadali, at hindi na masyadong nag-aanticipate ng susunod na mangyayari. Mas naiintindihan ko na kung eto yung binibigay mo at the moment, then thank you for it. If you’re not in with me, then fine by me. No urgency, No anticipation, it’s like a quiet stream flowing, rather than a strong river – complete with the rapids.
I’ll just have to stick to being me, then to go on forward writing about other stuff, other than about you.