Monday night the second of the workweek, and I’m lying in bed.
In the past few weeks my time has been tossed around books, tv series and work. Work seems fine, all relationships are good, but there is still this lull I’m still caught whenever my defenses are down.
I’m in a rut. So many times I’ve felt this, but to write it down is the only thing that I usually do to ease my mind. Hence, what i’m doing now. I really have no problem, really. This is just bouts of paranoia and wishful thinking. Of being stuck in a cycle, or even in a tunnel where the light you see at the end is the onslaught of the coming train. Sigh.
What I need is… Love(?) I guess. Or maybe i am silently longing for that feeling of belongingness. Sheesh. Things I get from reading too much novels. But then again, if I could not be honest with myself, then to whom shall I be?
Yes I’m looking at it with rose colored lens, fantasizing abt how would it feel or what would it be really like, but then again, as I’m reading back, it feels like I’m a 16 year old girl daydreaming of a puppy love; which I never did when I was sixteen. I was more into seeking adventures and challenges, away from the safety net my family clothed me.
Speaking of safety nets and security blankets, it seems now that I have been given certain (read: a little, some) freedom when it comes to decision making. That had me thinking my position in the next four years of my life. Do I want to stay here in a foreign land and earn for stability or do I return to the nativeland, adjust once again to the laws of the land and settle to the familiarity? What about my dreams? I want to fulfill at least one outrageous dream, and that is to go to Ireland, faraway land, and dream…and be in touch to the ‘magic’ within.
What about my youth? Do i settle to be what is expected of me, because of filial responsibilities or societal lens I am being viewed upon? Do I have to waste away slaving… Or experiencing? Or learning?
What about my goals? With it full of practicalities, which do I need to dwell in more…dreams or goals? I guess that is why I read books and watch series. It’s a form of escape. Escape to the uncertainty of what lies ahead. So what will I do tomorrow? Do I go to work? Do I go to learn? Until I find answers, I guess I’ll let it stay at one corner of my mind. Till it resurfaces again.