I rarely cry. Do not get me wrong, I did my share of crying when I was growing up. Couple of tantrums, kaartehan and even teenage angst. Throw in the misunderstandings with parents and friends, even embarrassing it may seem – what can be termed as minor heartbreak.
However, looking back, the last time I noticed that I have been leaking tears was when I have few chosen instances to myself. Maybe it’s a private thing for me, to show this kind of emotion.
I did not cry much at my grand mum’s funeral, but was struck with severe bout of sadness whenever I hear a song that makes me remember her. In silence, I shed the tears.
The last that I cried with another person present was I was just adjusting to my new environment here in this desert place. It was my aunt, who was forever encouraging me. Always saying the right things, up to the time that I eventually made it.. I think.
Sorrow seems to be a mystery to me. Do not get me wrong. I have my fair share of moods. I just don’t easily wallow up my eyes with tears, or even if I did, it was fortunate that it did not fall whenever someone is around.
I guess I’m not the kind of person who can easily display emotions I’m not used to. I am very blessed to be in a situation that I experience happiness in life.. so maybe the shock of experiencing this foreign feeling stuck me as weird. However, I do not discount the fact that after I cry, I feel relieved.
Relieved in every sense of the word. Released of burdens, of expectations and just feel this warm liquid that flows down my cheeks. Taking it out of my system.
I wonder, why do one cry? What is the reason you cry? I know there must be one scientific explanation behind, but I ask myself, in rare times like this, why do you cry?
Do you cry for a specific person, for a specific circumstance, or just because you feel like it? I just stated an obvious reason above.. but I still cannot find it in me to be appeased with that answer.
I guess sometimes, we cry because we want to grieve for a certain something not acceptable to our own understanding. How do you explain sadness? How do you describe being lost? Is it simply a tangible way to determine that a person is feeling happy?(Then how about the term ‘tears of joy?)
I do not know or claim to know much about sadness and crying. What I know now, in this ungodly hour, I decided to unload everything on this virtual journal, just a few moments after I was crying.
I was crying for all the pent-up reasons I kept buried. For all the disappointments, the wishful thinking the confusion, to get in touch with my inner self. Even though tears can be produced at will, it’s comforting to think that after all of this, I may not get all the answers to my questions, I’d still get to remember that I cried, though privately, and appreciate Happiness more, because I know what it feels to just be sad. To just cry.