Lately, I noticed I’ve been more emotional. not necessarily open to display emotions, but just an unusual personal realization of changing moods. I seem affected with even the tiniest provocation – scenes in soap operas, lines in a movie, even the lyrics of the songs I normally listen to. I don’t know I guess it’s high time for me to do another recharge and by that I mean is to dwell again on my thoughts and eventually pour them out. So here I am.
When my mom and younger sibs cam to visit in Dubai, I realized how much I miss the power of touch. Hugs, kisses, even slaps and tickles too. I missed how it was to laugh so loud that your sides are hurting and you cannot breathe anymore. I guess I missed how it is how to be simply happy.
Their arrival could not be so timely as I have been reaching an all time low in the office. Admittedly it’s been hard looking at the glass of water as half-full when you’re thirsty yourself.I’ve been asking myself a question for quite sometime now: Is this what makes you happy?Why are you doing this?
There are a lot of things to consider in answering these questions practically. Honestly, it’s not that easy to answer at all.I’ve been debating with myself with the answer I was going to give myself.
Let me take it one question at a time:
1. .Your current situation – does it make you happy? – Impulse answer: NO.
I want to be free with all the complications, with all the things that yo need to do but violates your values, violates what you think is right, As Jhoanna said, if it is for the sake of your sanity. Then why not turn away? It should be that easy right?
2. Why are you doing this? – Impulse answer: Because I’m doing this as my way to give back and say thank you to my family, especially my dad. He gave a lot, sacrificed a lot for us. For me to be in this situation, Am I just going to throw it all away and make my own way? Am I just going to shy away from what I think my parents’ expectation and what others think of me? If it were me, I’d like to live even just for a year – what the hell even just for 6 months in an environment where I can discover who I am, what I want to do, to take care of myself. to live simply, away from all the city lights, away from all the stress. Can I just be a drifter? Do I have the guts to do just that – pack my things and say, I’m going away for today and whatever comes tomorrow I’ll leave it for tomorrow?
I’m imagining living on a province far-away, 6 months, trying to write. experiencing life. Can I just ask that from my parents?
I guess I need to be independent – in every sense of that word. I need to break free from all those that worry me: expectations from myself, from others, again, from my own self,,,
I’m now 22. Hard to believe but when I was little, I thought when I am at this age, I had it all figured out. Even if it is not all, well I thought I would have a good deal of clue of how life should be. Apparently it is not that easy.