February 3, 2011
Today, I write about myself as a woman. Not just some random girl, nor a lady walking down a street, but someone who acknowledges that there are changes in life, and she must accept and face it, head-on. However, I also picture a woman as someone matured enough, and I think of myself as in the process of being one, so let me rephrase the first sentence I wrote.
Today, I write about myself and the process of becoming a woman. Much Better.
I realized that there have been so many changes in and about me through the years, physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and of course spiritually. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not say that I am already ‘the’ perfect woman. Because I’m not. I am still on the process of discovering myself, and in doing it, I am seeing and experiencing so many things that never in my life had I dreamed.
One good example is my taste for books. When I was five, I wanted to read fairy tales, and magic and those which end in the famous lines… “And they lived happily ever after.” Then I turned twelve and I started reading romance novels, even Tagalog ones, for those are the only books I see lying around my lola’s house. Then I turned thirteen and I discovered Harry Potter, and my enthusiasm for reading, and books, sky-rocketed. Till sixteen I was reading Harry Potter, Tagalog Romance Novels, even teenage English novels such as Sweet Valley High. And then, I turned eighteen. My thirst for Filipino-authored Literature began. I began buying books made locally, thinking that I can fully-relate, since we came from the same place. Everything was fine, until I entered a book shop a while ago. Skimming through different titles of books I discovered that I am no longer interested in buying romance, fiction, or even any novel. I said to myself that if I am going to buy a book, it would be that something I like so much that I will enjoy reading it and even share it with my friends. Out I came from the bookshop, with an inspirational book in my hand. I no longer wanted to imagine magic, or feel a sweet tingly kilig feeling; I wanted to start reading and then doing what I have learned from the book I read. Something I can call some sort of a ‘guide’. Thank you Ms. Sarah Zacharias Davies for the book ‘Transparent’. J
To tell you the truth, it was the book which made me become inspired in writing this. I was somewhat fazed by a bad feeling hovering above my head, but right after I read it, I felt refreshed, and inspired, and wanting to read more. However, the urge to write was greater than ever, and so, here I am now.
The first chapter was all about being a Christian woman, and being a woman of such, I became interested in reading about it, for I find myself in it.It deals with how a Christian woman should act. It tells of a woman’s struggle between how people inside the church view her because of the way she is.She’s struggling to be herself, yet at the same time, she’s trying to fit in and deal with the pressure that is bestowed upon her.
Sometimes I feel exactly like that… That I need to play this role of someone who they think I should be, in order to please them…and then when I showed who I really am, they’ll start turning away. In some ways, I got used to it; and I can say that I consider books, and pens, and empty pages of my notebooks more loyal than those outside, for I can be who I am without the slightest fear that they might not like me back. However, now I’ve come to realize, that there is also someone who can be truly loyal to me, and has been ever loyal, ever since. No one else, but God. He has done so many great things for me, and I could not help but be thankful, and ask myself… am I the woman God wants me to be?
Earlier, it was mentioned that I picture a woman who’s mature in almost all areas of life, and I can’t help but look at myself, that in a way, I can become the woman I picture out in my mind. I think I can be, but I need to work hard on some areas of my life…maybe even all of them. That is how I can be that Christian Woman God wants me to be.
Lots of tough work actually, if I may say. I need to work everything out. But I acknowledge that I need the will to. And so, I want it to lie upon the hands of the Lord… that He may guide me in all my dreams, even my deepest, hidden aspirations of my heart. He, who strengthens me when I am most weak, accompanies me, at times when I am alone, scared, and in deep need of comfort.
I guess I’ll be glad to be called a woman when I have seen that I have accomplished, even half of the improvements of my life. For now, I can candidly call myself a DEMIWOMAN. Hehehe. I’m almost there…and then, not quite. J May God help me, for I know that He is ever able and is willing to help His children. J
Till my next post!