This one’s for you, A.

It’s past three in the morning in a cold, and drizzling December night  bago matapos ang taong 2015. Because of my craziness, I wake up at the most random moments, and this is among those times.

I have promised myself that before those year ends, I want to tie the loose ends of my life, release baggages that I don’t really need when the next year comes. SO, I guess, you are one of them. My baggage that I need to let go, my loose end that I need to severe.

I have been for the past three years of my life, reserving a special place in my heart for you. The feelings are suppressed kasi nga naman bukod sa hindi pa tamang panahon eh madami pang mga circumstances na komplikado. I have been retelling our story to random people, that I tend to see myself as someone so desperate of love and affection. Na nag-uungot ng time sa isang taong magaling lang sa spur of the moment.

Siguro nga isa lang akong malaking assumera pero you have given me words and unusual attention na di naman ginagawa ng guy for just a random girl. Pero all of a sudden, it stopped. “As in naiwan sa ere, ang taas. Ang sakit pala”, to quote a Kathryn B line. Pero that’s what happened.

Months and months…of waiting. Kasi sabi nila sa tamang panahon daw eh. Ako naman ito, masyadong serendipitous and HOPELESS romantic (emphasize on the hopeless) kaya eto nganga. Haha.

But that’s all in the past. I never blamed you, nor will I hold a grudge sa’yo. Masyado lang akong naging biktima ng mga pag-aasam, what ifs, and almost. Eh kaso sabi nung kanta. Almost is Never enough.

So eto, ang sagot ko naman, Goodbye my Almost Lover. GOod bye my hopes and dream. Why don’t you just be a single heartache, why don’t you just let me be? Haha kasi naman yung makakalimutan na kita, magpaparamdam ka ulit, alam mo bang para kong tanga and sobrang pathetic na ultimo like mo na lang eh inaabangan ko pa, para lang malaman ko na nakikita mo pa din kung kamusta na ako, ano ba ginagawa ko, na baka sakaling you finally grew a pair…and kaya mo nang manindigan. To no avail. Hanggang like na nga lang yata talaga. Kaya lesheng like yan eh, paasa. hahaha

I really thought you’re the one.

I usually caught myself daydreaming of how would it be if we became a couple. and as soon as that happens, I stop and chastise myself because yes, assumera. kaya eto, hanggang ngayon, umaambon at this ungodly hour, at bago matapos ang taon na ito. Almost 3 years of my on-off; on again feelings for you, I wanted to let go of it completely.

Masyado na akong naawa sa sarili ko, na ang liit na ng tingin ko kasi nakukuntento ako sa online movement ng isang tao walang guts to show how he feels for me sa personal. Okay pa nga kung sabihin mo na wag eh, na tama na, na hindi mo naman pala intensyon to go beyond friendship, kaso hindi eh. Mas masakit yung naka-hang ka lang. Di mo alam kung magforward ka na or stop lang. Na iniiyakan ka, sa harap ng mga kaibigan ko kasi di mo alam ano ang gagawin just to make this feeling stop. Make this stop. Na magseek ng attention mo, Na mabaling sa mas mahalagang bagay,

kesa sayo.

I don’t want this to be bitter kasi, after all, I know you’re just doing what’s best for you. Ako lang naman talaga ang may hang-ups pa. and I don’t know if tama yung sinabing, sometimes,

having no closure is the closure. Pero mukhang totoo on our story. Pwede naman na di pa tapos ang istorya nating dalawa, kaya wala pang closure. Hindi, tama na, erase erase.

Someday, someone’s gonna love me, the way I wanted you to  need me someday, someday…

Siguro nga, masyado lang akong in love sa idea ng falling in love. Masyado syang magical, masyado lang akong sabik sa kilig. Masyado lang sigurong mataas ang expectations ko, because of what my mom and dad have, because what I see in reel time ALDUB. Pero masama ba na mag-asam ng pag-ibig? Sa tamang panahon daw. Sabi daw, masyado daw atat ngayon na hanapin si Mr. Right, pero di naman makafocus na maging si Ms. Right. Pls don’t get me wrong. I acknowledge that i am not yet as shaped to be what God wants me to be.. but I’d like to believe that I am under the process.   Pero I  think and I’d like to believe that there is really someone who God will give me sa tamang panahon.

 

At siguro, hindi ikaw yun.

 

Or kung ikaw nga.  Ayoko na ngang umasa sa possibility na yan. kahit na ikaw na lang yung natitirang 0.01 percent (naks nagmamath!) na posibilidad n magkatuluyan tayo. Ops sabi nga wag na umasa. haha.

 

Instead, I’d like to thank you. thank you sa patuloy na pagsiseen zoned sa akin, sa pag-iwas mo sa mga kapatid ko at kaibigan ko pag magkikita kayo, sa bigla ka na lang nawalang parang bula (LITERAL GANUN KA, NAWALA NG PARANG BULA), sa mga words na sinabi  mo thru text, na sobrang striking sa akin. Enough proof na ba yun para naman di ako dehado sa pag-aasume na’to? Sabi mo pa nga, wala man lang ba akong reaksyon dun? May reaksyon ako. May naramdaman ako. Makikipagkita ba ako sa’yo, kung wala? ewan, sarap isipin na naduwag ka. Or WORST CASE SCENARIO, na akala mo, ang taas ng expectations ko for a guy to love me.

 

I used to. Not anymore. I realized, I just have three things. He must love God before me. Kaya nyang humarap sa pamilya ko, and syempre lastly, yung kayang tanggapin at mahalin kung sino ako, through and through.

 

HIndi naman mataas di ba? Respeto lang naman sa magulang ko, yung kayang sakyan trip ko, at higit sa lahat may tunay na relasyon sa Diyos. Ni wala ngang qualifications na iba, physical man o ibang aspeto…tapos masasabihan pa ako ng friend ko na masyado akong mataas magset ng expectations? Do I have to dumb down myself? Siguro medyo OA yung dumb down, pero, bottomline, di naman ako naghahanap ng sobrang imposible; and I’d like to think existing pa ang mga katulad ni Alden Richards, rather Richard Faulkerson Jr sa mundo (sana hindi pa sya last piece, haha) not in the looks department, but in the attitude, in the character, in their outlook in life.

So balik din sa’yo, A. I’d like to congratulate you in your journey towards Christ, kasi alam ko andami mong nabebless. I’d like to say sorry if I have done anything wrong at all to you. Malay natin di ba?  Finally, I’d like to say thank you. Thank you  for all these lessons. I have no regrets weighing in your opinion and you as a person in the factors when I decided to come back home sa Pilipinas.  I HAVE NO REGRETS regarding that. If I can have only one regret, is that I spent those three years worth of my emotions to a person whom I have no idea if he can reciprocate what I’m feeling. I could’ve done so much better, but I did not. You are not blamed, it’s just that you WERE the focal point.  But now, I’m officially cutting my loose edge, formally leaving this excess baggage: THE LONGING, FEELINGS THAT I HAVE FOR YOU, THAT KEEPS ME HURTING AND HOPING AND ASSUMING INSIDE. I am releasing myself from this emotions. I am releasing you from any blame or accountability, after all, feelings ko ito and I should know better.

But thank you for the kilig I felt, for the excitement, for everything I learned along the way.

This is my break up letter for my baggage, and that includes you.

 

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About The Scribbler

I have this thirst for learning. I am forever curious. I love to delve into stories by reading, watching or even listening. I believe I am unique. God is with Me all the time. I make mistakes but I learn from them. I love building lasting relationships. I am afraid of the unknown, so it's either I stay away or find out. I believe I am more matured that I was before.
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