It’s funny that I turn to you, because I wanted to complete my own “weekend” ritual. I just took a bath, after a whole day of tossing and turning in bed, reading, checking my social media, and incredibly didn’t even muster the energy to watch Kalyeserye, and finished reading two novels, and it just turned 08:03 pm. Yes I did it even though it’s Monday, I received a call from my dad, got asked by my mom about updates and received a message from my grad school friends. Ooh, and getting a good news from Jayson himself. Yes! Monday is now my new weekend. Or I’d like to believe so.
I just wanted to write down my thoughts, I guess, for I seem to be at loss. No there has been no personal upheavals, schools rewarding though definitely time-consuming, work has always been work,but I’m dealing with it..hopefully, my spiritual life’s not that clear as I’d like it to be.. and me as the basic person,as a woman is in a lull. And all of what I said’s full of shit and I just don’t know with life right now. (Dear future self who will be reading this, please have the skill to sort out the truth and the lie in these statements).
I just wanted to check up on myself, sort out what has really been going on in this rambling mind, and the only think I can do that is to try and write it all down to you.
Let me try to sort my ramblings…right now.
SCHOOL – we rode a mini Anchor’s Away together with my fellow GS mates. it was literally being transported back to childhood, not that I experienced it when I were young. The feels of the rush, the uncertainty of whether you’ll not fall and the delight of being transported way high up in the air is surely what was most unforgettable. I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while, I just realized that I ought to be riding some more extreme rides because adrenaline could be so addictive. I’m thinking about it. Other than the said delightful experience, I cannot help but think about the remaining years I have as a masteral student. Time flies, this is so true and was proven so many times. I must admit I am still at the eye of the storm in my journey, having yet to pass the tougher hurdles, but I can’t help but think of what shall I do next once I finish my graduate school experience. I must admit that it has been a fun ride and a truly life-enriching life-changing experience, especially now that we are faced with reality that the world is converging slowly thus integration. The analytical part of this brain could not help but engage to the fact that I should gear up for more, be prepared to be more competitive, to have that edge among others, and could help in the business, or my future plans of migrating….On the other hand,
WORK – has been a very obligatory task for me, although I have to muster the enthusiasm and the heart to do my job and give it my all. I know in my heart that I must pray for what has been really meant for me, but in reality, I know that if not for this job, I am not experiencing the kind of ‘freedom’ I do now with my schedule. Not to mention the fact the expectation I set myself most especially because of my dad. Everybody here’s encouraging me to spill the beans and tell my dad of my plans, but now what? What good will it do if I tell him, “Dad, ayoko na magtrabaho sa PSSP.” I can just imagine the dismay and his shattered plans, but being the dad that he is, he still thinks for the family, and just look for the next possible option. I don’t want to be the cause of that disappointment. I don’t want to be the cause of one of his dreams not being able to come true. He has done so much for us, what is another year of my life being given to build his company, right?
SPIRITUAL life – To be totally and perfectly honest, I really really do want to be in a more matured relationship with Christ. I try to do my best to talk to HIm everyday, to check my decisions if it is deemed fit for HIs plans, but deep inside, I still sin, I still feel insufficient. I know naman na it’s not achieved abruptly, but it’s a constant process, but then again, I don’t really know where I stand. I don’t know where I am going, if I’m on the right track. I hope I am, I hope I can get to a state where I am fervently and zealously in contact with Him, that I feel peace in my life because I walk in accordance to His will. Pero wala… I’m really at loss. Hmm.
As a woman, ewan. Haha! Kainis, puro ewan, puro I don’t know. Eh kasi wala naman silang binigay na manual how to be a woman. Paano ba, what should I do after college, wala namang manual na next after college, I mean, yes in the society where I belong, everybody expects that after college that you “WORK”, meaning become a productive member of the society, but what’s the standard, parang, now I’ve done what is expected of me, na magtapos ng pag-aaral. now what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to follow what I think I should do, or should I follow what the society, the people around me (I think) expects of me? Eh kung baka hindi ko iniisip yung sasabihin ng iba at yung mga tao sa paligid ko, baka I just trot of on my own…BUt let it not be said that I blame others for what I might not be able to do, in fact they encourage me pa nga. eh. Kaso how selfish it would be to think of yourself, just yourself? I am the eldest, the first of the brood, the inaasahang gumawa nito, dapat this, you should be that. I don’t want them to be painted as the bad guys in my story, but that is what I feel, and if I couldn’t be honest in these pages, then where the hell can I be? I’d just put it out in the open whoever gets the patience to read this might as well find out right?
I don’t know.. I wanted to
right write some more, but I don;t know if words will still come out. You’ll know in a bit.