Eunoia

Eunoia – From Ancient Greek εὔνοια �(eúnoia, “goodwill”, literally “well-mindedness”), from εὖ �(eû, “well, good”) + νόος �(nóos, “mind, spirit”).
A week,
A day,
An hour. 
A moment, 
Just a minute…
To reflect on what’s been going on 

is easier said than done. 
Feet are itching,

Mind’s wandering. 

Waiting, yet again
For the next eureka. 
For the next euphoria
For that simple eunoia. 
All that’s left to do is to take a deep breath…
Face and overcome the paranoia.
Random drabble. 

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Augustus Waters

Yep. I’m gonna call it. What a lame title, but hey, you simply just have to bear with it. Haha. To rationalize, it’s now the 5th of August 2016. Therefore, Augustus. Waters kasi….malakas ang ulan kanina. Wahaha.

I woke up once again in the middle of the night. So instead of trying to be in social media, I thought it would be better if I start writing again. 

What’s up, you ask? Other than I managed to survive another hill of challenges at work and I am on my way to new ones this August. Kaya naman, it just takes sweat, (a lot of ’em) sleepless nights, a lot of energy spent worrying and stressing (which I shouldn’t do, I know) and a lot of support from the family even of I end up giving them grief due to me stressing. 

Hay.

There are times (…when I just want to look in your eyes… Chos) ok eto, seryoso na. There are times that I think I already got the hang of this job, bit time and again there are lots of instances that proves me wrong. Ang laki pa sobra ng dapat long iimprove in all aspects, especially in decision making and maturity. 

Yep, parang I’m slowly…ever so slowly making my way to #Adulting101. Not that I don’t want to but of course, just like any first time, there is a sense of dread. Oh ayan nag ooverthink ka na naman. Tsk

So there goes career. Uhm, ayun sa  learning naman, I just wanted to share yung a tidbit of solid gold advice I have for the week. It came from Ma’am Shirley. She said,

Alam mo, marami namang knowledge na makukuha sa mundo. Kailangan mo lang kunin yung knowledge na maiaapply mo sa sarili mo. 

Well, words to that effect. Tama naman diba? Dami mo ngang alam pero di mo naman mai apply sa buhay. Para saan ang knowledge? To which I think I am guilty of. 

I must choose which knowledge should I choose in order to make my life better and worth more living. 

Ang amazing lang kasi sabi nga everyday, you get that chance to talk to someone and hear them how they deal with life. Di pala alo nag-iisa. 

Then there’s this old school mate, named Erick. Oh I know what you’re thinking. Kinikilig ka coz he’s a cutie. He just messaged me all of a sudden, dahil ni like ko ang post nya, he said thanks. I found that truly adorable. 

Tapos biglang all of a sudden, seryoso na ang usapan. About life, love, career and how one adjusts to it. He seems so serious, and yet so passionate. Positive, too. Kasi he advices me to be positive. Kesa kung anong mga pabebe. Haha. Medyo naguilty nga ako sa pabebe na part, hello, issues ko yan. But still, I listened and agreed to his points. Though of course, medyo cautious pa din. Di naman lahat ng sasabihin is iaaccept mo nlang, diba? 

Until he offered to talk with me over coffee bukas, (Saturday, kasi Friday na ng madaling araw) at 10 am. Gusto kong kutusan yung sarili ko, kasi di ko alam kung kikiligin ako, or magiging cautious ako kasi baka iinvite nya ako sa networking nya. Edi ba dun nagsisimula yun, sa pa kape-kape? 😂😂😂😂 

Wag ka excited, Nis. Wala pa. Ako naman I’m always willing to listen to people who I know can inspire me and help me through their experiences. Kaya dapat, yun ang mangibabaw. That is, kung matutuloy. Kasi naman may posts yata ako na pabebe. Eh parang di nya trip. What the hell, I don’t post on social media for anyone. I post for me, and di naman sya pabebe masyado. I just said, my mom wants me to have a boypren olredi, para daw di na ako masungit. Haha.

Saklap diba? Hahaha 😂😂😂😂

Tapos here goes peeps reacting on my post; and I’m sure tons of people who just saw my post and inwardly reacted not bothering to let me know. 

Ewan lang. Di naman sa desperate moves or anything. I just wanted to immortalize the moment. Kasi nga nagmoment kami ng nanay ko. Haha. 

Siguro overthinking to. (Oo, overthinking yan, sabi ni conscience) Bahala na. It’s just the first week of August, madami pa mangyayari. 

But I hope in all of them, I get to learn to appreciate life and use it well. Para di naman sayang yung binigay ni Lord. 

Augustus Waters: this August, let the light and waterworks pour in. 😉

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I seriously need a reset button in my life.  Or if not a reset,  a pause button,  perhaps? 

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The pursuit of Happiness

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Yesterday, while I celebrated his passing of the Licensure exam for teachers,  I can’t help but look at my life. I have constantly seen how he is faithful in prayer, never ceasing and never wavering. I also wanted that same faith. To never doubt His plans for me.

So I went and did my neglected devotion and poured out my heart once more. I even read this book entitped, ‘Thank God it’s Monday’.
I came across this passage, saying, “Society would like for us to believe that more money brings happiness, contentment and peace, so we chase after itas though life itself depended on it. But as Christians,we know that our life depends upon God and it’s in Him that we are given these internal blessings.”

Which leads to my question, what makes you happy? I asked myself the same.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? or rather  more appropriately, when say I want to be happy, where does this happiness comes from? More questions to think about.

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Lion City

So this is SG in a glimpse. I hope to be more verbose about it until I sort out my feelings.

A definite one for the books experience.

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Seeing the gem in the rubble

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After so many hours, managed to set my office into an acceptable looking corner.
It feels good, having to go through all the mess and seeing it as orderly as possible. It makes me feel like I have control of some form in my life, which I know I have, at some point.
Hopefully, I get to have the same feels and outlook once I touch the accounts and the reporting aspect of my job, but that would be after my educational trip to Singapore. So there goes an adventure!

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Reflection refraction

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For all the good it woud do to me, I’d say my work station is as messy as my mind right now.
The only thing I need to be doing is to shovel out all the clutter and start anew.

So much has happened in the weeks I’ve been gone. It was so striking that the capability to write and wash it down with words were stripped from me. But now,I must say I must start purging. Of clutter, of mess, of anxieties, of worries, of mistrust and for all the hell of negative emotions I thrust myself into.

If I want change it has to start from within. From me.

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Restless.

I am restless tonight.. It seems I want to do something but I can’t seem to find what it is. I tried reading, Just finished watching 2 movies straight. Ate a slice of a sinfully delicious cake, tempted to eat once again, but thought better of it. So what’s the next step? Well, just to pour out the many random thoughts in my mind, as I tried to listen to a 90’s remix radio on Spotify.

What am I thinking you say, i’m thinking how I can be able to become productive in my line of work. Just this morning, I got ambushed for almost one hour talking about a condensed version of BOSH to my dad so he can better explain it to his colleagues back in Dubai, and I teasingly told him to send me back to Dubai so I can assist him in the training. It’s a point of pride within me that I can at least say that I know what I’m talking about in BOSH, or at least, I get the gist and essence of it in the numerous repetitive versions I’ve heard of it. That’s why I was able to explain it to him. I hope he appreciated and recognized that skill. In fact I even enjoyed explaining it to him. Which therefore led me to believe that I enjoy training and teaching and talking, and I’m not organized as I liked to be. I have gazillion of things to do in our office, but I never could seem to catch up. I know I need to do them, but the day zips up fast because I did not prioritize the things I need to do and instead watched tv, for three freaking hours, check my phone for updates for every 10 -15 minutes, and day-dreaming before the actual work. My work ethic is crap. And I can only sigh in regret, just like now. I REALLY WANT TO. But then, I got no one else to blame but myself. Wake up, Eunice, you seriously need to.

Another thing swirling in this mind is the possibility of doing writing jobs, perhaps? Just not to get this words and ideas stuck in the mind d’you think I can handle that? Moonlighting as a romance novel writer, perhaps? Do you think I can still squeeze it in my jumbled mess? But I’m holding o to the belief that if  you really want it, then you’ll exhaust all means just to see it through. I’m looking at this in a positive lens, when I should be doing homework for all my grad school subjects. Oh! HOW FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!

I have tons to do but I don’t have the will to do it, I want to do something that will give me immense pleasure, but I don;t have the guts to do it. Therefore what does that make me? A bum inside a comfortable box. Who doesn’t want to move, who doesn’t want to tip the scales. Ugh. I’ve been this couch potato that is completely comfortable with the sofa, even though everything else is a pigsty. I have a plethora of excuses, but I lack the actual ACTION!!!!!!!! I need to change.

it’s all about the attitude, the discipline and the willpower. Tomorrow I’m going to go jogging, time myself for an hour, and then go back and be dressed like a normal adult. Eat breakfast and actually get some work done. I’m going to stay away from the TV no more, get away from my phone and face my responsibilities.

May the good Lord guide me in this. I really need to change. I need this change!

So change starts tonight I’m going to sleep early.  No later than 10 pm.

Ciao!

 

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Of Answered Prayers and Records of Wrongs

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4 -7 

I wanted to publish this post not to record the hurt, nor to serve as the ‘evidence’ portion of what happened to me lately, but rather, I wanted to share, at least to myself, what has been said between the two of us so that whenever I visit here, I may be reminded that if the Lord has been so good to forgive, then who am I, not to? This also meant that if what I really felt back then was the big L word, then I must be willing to let the good Lord work on our way, guide us in this journey called life, and still hone us and shape us better to become prepared to become His disciples.

I sincerely hope that whoever might read this apart from me, will not judge harshly, nor comment incriminating stuff. but rather, be inspired with what’s common between us: the desire to be changed by God and be a more able Disciple of Christ.

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That was a truly lengthy post and it took me some time to make a coherent thought. HAHA

Oh diba he even managed to make a joke (which is totally not funny, though) and the only reason why I did not reply because of an almost empty batt. AND I was assigned photographer of my sister in her graduation. (Hooray for multi-tasking!)

I want to live by the saying LET BYGONES be BYGONES. and indeed, I felt considerable peace, because I know that this chapter in my life ends now. The hurt stopped, the anxiety stopped, the questions stopped.

I would like to stress the importance of the last part. This has indeed among my earnest and fervent prayers, to release me from the bondage of hurt and anxiety over what happened. That I wanted to serve the LORD wholeheartedly, and I cannot do that if I still am harboring hurt because of what he did (or more appropriately, did not} do. So here I am, I asked and asked from the Lord the possibility of talking to him just to clear the air, but only if it is His will. I was blessed enough to be given this opportunity, albeit being through chat only, which I think is our story. We are quite these pair of millennials, who incorporate technology with relating with one another. So, there, I cannot simply believe because it was in my prayers. Then here it is, he’s finally opening up what on earth happened. I may or may have understood it at the time, had he said it earlier, but then I think it is still included in God’s plan to teach me that I should not take matters into my own hands but trust in HIS plans for me. TOTAL SURRENDER, that’s what HE wants in me. TO TRUST HIM completely, TO WAIT, not only for the right time, but also WAIT ON HIM, FOR HE ALONE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR US.

I remember the question our Pastor mentioned in the prayer meetings, it goes like this, “If we have free will, why do we follow the WILL of the LORD?” A genuinely good question to ask, and it also has a genuinely satisfying answer. It is because, following His will, is the sign of our faith in HIM. When we follow, it means we trust Him, we offer our lives to Him, and we have peace in our hearts with whatever we are experiencing, because we trust that He knows that it is part of our spiritual growth, to become more like Him.

At the end of the day, Love really does not keep a record of wrongs, but it does keep and exalt those who thank for answered prayers.

To God be always the glory!

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Caught Up

I’m caught up.

I started today with this bible verse,

Psalm 35:28

“And my tongue will speak of Your righteousness and of Your praises, all day long.”

I hoped that today would be a productive one, which I think started that way. However, I got distracted by this and that, and the root problem I think is failing to plan ahead what I need to do for the next day, so I end up doing what I just remembered. then I tried jotting down my to-do lists, only to find out that I have lots to do, and that;s just long overdue and discounting my proactive action. It gets very depressing because I don’t have any defense that I was not able to do this or that and it eventually led me to cram up when it’s urgent. And boy, it is a vicious cycle. So here I am, evaluating myself after a day, where I cannot lie ANYMORE, that I have done less work than I should have.

However, that is not what I have been second-guessing all day. It’s the fact that God’s Word is really a double-edged sword. It’s not only used as a guide for people around you, but most of all, it serves as your center, your standard of right and wrong, which leads me to have this big ball of guilt because I purposefully lied to a colleague today, in order to save myself. It’s just so frustrating because that one little white lie (or so you think) was blown out of proportion. I managed to calm her down and just deal with the situation, because there was no other alternative but to just wait. But as soon as I ended the call I was hit by my morning’s devotion. It’s as if, I heard my own voice, whispering in my own ears, the devotion I just had this morning.

Imagine the feeling of participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge?  That’s what I felt, to be reminded. Just that morning I pledged to speak of righteousness, of His praises, and there I was just finished splattering outright lies that would keep me out of trouble. It’s so shameful that I stopped what I was doing and prayed to God for forgiveness. The shame, the shame. It was literally so awful. I really asked for forgiveness, but the feeling was still there.

The result? I was not in the mood to work. It still added to my unproductivity that day, though I managed to finish one task that was most urgent… Out of desperation, here I am, spewing my heart out, because I felt out of sorts, even to the point of seeking the comfort (albeit being temporary) of feeling worthy in someone’s eye.Which is sooooo depressing and not showing the change I hope to see in me. That escalated so quickly, I had to run away from it, in order not to get sucked for an extended period.

Here I am belching it all out, I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to utilize my time wisely, I want to be productive, I want to be disciplined. How is the great, big question.

Bill Hybels wrote in his book, ‘Who Are You When No One’s Looking’, that the key to practicing discipline is to have advanced decision making. ADVANCED DECISION MAKING. So therefore here I am, putting into writing the things I need to accomplish by tomorrow:

  1. Ziah’s birthday -will be spent half of the day, towards the evening.
  2.  Finish the report (FOR REAL this time) so you can go ahead and submit it to the OSHC.
  3. Reconciliation and sending an email to the accountant on what things are needed to prepare for the SEC renewal.

Well, these are my top 3 and I’m sure would take up the time most of the morning.

That’s mostly work-related, but I also want to have an advanced decision when it comes to personal life as well.

  1. You need to wake-up early. It say’s six AM. Wake up at exactly six for your devotion.
  2. Only use your phone when it’s absolutely necessary. STOP CHECKING for updates, for notifications, because the only thing you need to empower your day is through GOD first. If there is one thing that you need, it’s HIS updates and notifications, in order for you to live your life to the fullest, as you want in bottomline.

Ironically, I found this, as I was browsing my feed:12919930_10154850740313569_8183081140513409318_n

He lives in us.

 

Therefore, I must make things according to HIS will and not mine.

This ends my post for today. Lord, YOUR WILL BE DONE.

Thank you for the lessons, thank you for always LOVING me.

 

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