The pursuit of Happiness

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Yesterday, while I celebrated his passing of the Licensure exam for teachers,  I can’t help but look at my life. I have constantly seen how he is faithful in prayer, never ceasing and never wavering. I also wanted that same faith. To never doubt His plans for me.

So I went and did my neglected devotion and poured out my heart once more. I even read this book entitped, ‘Thank God it’s Monday’.
I came across this passage, saying, “Society would like for us to believe that more money brings happiness, contentment and peace, so we chase after itas though life itself depended on it. But as Christians,we know that our life depends upon God and it’s in Him that we are given these internal blessings.”

Which leads to my question, what makes you happy? I asked myself the same.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? or rather  more appropriately, when say I want to be happy, where does this happiness comes from? More questions to think about.

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Lion City

So this is SG in a glimpse. I hope to be more verbose about it until I sort out my feelings.

A definite one for the books experience.

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Seeing the gem in the rubble

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After so many hours, managed to set my office into an acceptable looking corner.
It feels good, having to go through all the mess and seeing it as orderly as possible. It makes me feel like I have control of some form in my life, which I know I have, at some point.
Hopefully, I get to have the same feels and outlook once I touch the accounts and the reporting aspect of my job, but that would be after my educational trip to Singapore. So there goes an adventure!

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Reflection refraction

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For all the good it woud do to me, I’d say my work station is as messy as my mind right now.
The only thing I need to be doing is to shovel out all the clutter and start anew.

So much has happened in the weeks I’ve been gone. It was so striking that the capability to write and wash it down with words were stripped from me. But now,I must say I must start purging. Of clutter, of mess, of anxieties, of worries, of mistrust and for all the hell of negative emotions I thrust myself into.

If I want change it has to start from within. From me.

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Restless.

I am restless tonight.. It seems I want to do something but I can’t seem to find what it is. I tried reading, Just finished watching 2 movies straight. Ate a slice of a sinfully delicious cake, tempted to eat once again, but thought better of it. So what’s the next step? Well, just to pour out the many random thoughts in my mind, as I tried to listen to a 90’s remix radio on Spotify.

What am I thinking you say, i’m thinking how I can be able to become productive in my line of work. Just this morning, I got ambushed for almost one hour talking about a condensed version of BOSH to my dad so he can better explain it to his colleagues back in Dubai, and I teasingly told him to send me back to Dubai so I can assist him in the training. It’s a point of pride within me that I can at least say that I know what I’m talking about in BOSH, or at least, I get the gist and essence of it in the numerous repetitive versions I’ve heard of it. That’s why I was able to explain it to him. I hope he appreciated and recognized that skill. In fact I even enjoyed explaining it to him. Which therefore led me to believe that I enjoy training and teaching and talking, and I’m not organized as I liked to be. I have gazillion of things to do in our office, but I never could seem to catch up. I know I need to do them, but the day zips up fast because I did not prioritize the things I need to do and instead watched tv, for three freaking hours, check my phone for updates for every 10 -15 minutes, and day-dreaming before the actual work. My work ethic is crap. And I can only sigh in regret, just like now. I REALLY WANT TO. But then, I got no one else to blame but myself. Wake up, Eunice, you seriously need to.

Another thing swirling in this mind is the possibility of doing writing jobs, perhaps? Just not to get this words and ideas stuck in the mind d’you think I can handle that? Moonlighting as a romance novel writer, perhaps? Do you think I can still squeeze it in my jumbled mess? But I’m holding o to the belief that if  you really want it, then you’ll exhaust all means just to see it through. I’m looking at this in a positive lens, when I should be doing homework for all my grad school subjects. Oh! HOW FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!

I have tons to do but I don’t have the will to do it, I want to do something that will give me immense pleasure, but I don;t have the guts to do it. Therefore what does that make me? A bum inside a comfortable box. Who doesn’t want to move, who doesn’t want to tip the scales. Ugh. I’ve been this couch potato that is completely comfortable with the sofa, even though everything else is a pigsty. I have a plethora of excuses, but I lack the actual ACTION!!!!!!!! I need to change.

it’s all about the attitude, the discipline and the willpower. Tomorrow I’m going to go jogging, time myself for an hour, and then go back and be dressed like a normal adult. Eat breakfast and actually get some work done. I’m going to stay away from the TV no more, get away from my phone and face my responsibilities.

May the good Lord guide me in this. I really need to change. I need this change!

So change starts tonight I’m going to sleep early.  No later than 10 pm.

Ciao!

 

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Of Answered Prayers and Records of Wrongs

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4 -7 

I wanted to publish this post not to record the hurt, nor to serve as the ‘evidence’ portion of what happened to me lately, but rather, I wanted to share, at least to myself, what has been said between the two of us so that whenever I visit here, I may be reminded that if the Lord has been so good to forgive, then who am I, not to? This also meant that if what I really felt back then was the big L word, then I must be willing to let the good Lord work on our way, guide us in this journey called life, and still hone us and shape us better to become prepared to become His disciples.

I sincerely hope that whoever might read this apart from me, will not judge harshly, nor comment incriminating stuff. but rather, be inspired with what’s common between us: the desire to be changed by God and be a more able Disciple of Christ.

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That was a truly lengthy post and it took me some time to make a coherent thought. HAHA

Oh diba he even managed to make a joke (which is totally not funny, though) and the only reason why I did not reply because of an almost empty batt. AND I was assigned photographer of my sister in her graduation. (Hooray for multi-tasking!)

I want to live by the saying LET BYGONES be BYGONES. and indeed, I felt considerable peace, because I know that this chapter in my life ends now. The hurt stopped, the anxiety stopped, the questions stopped.

I would like to stress the importance of the last part. This has indeed among my earnest and fervent prayers, to release me from the bondage of hurt and anxiety over what happened. That I wanted to serve the LORD wholeheartedly, and I cannot do that if I still am harboring hurt because of what he did (or more appropriately, did not} do. So here I am, I asked and asked from the Lord the possibility of talking to him just to clear the air, but only if it is His will. I was blessed enough to be given this opportunity, albeit being through chat only, which I think is our story. We are quite these pair of millennials, who incorporate technology with relating with one another. So, there, I cannot simply believe because it was in my prayers. Then here it is, he’s finally opening up what on earth happened. I may or may have understood it at the time, had he said it earlier, but then I think it is still included in God’s plan to teach me that I should not take matters into my own hands but trust in HIS plans for me. TOTAL SURRENDER, that’s what HE wants in me. TO TRUST HIM completely, TO WAIT, not only for the right time, but also WAIT ON HIM, FOR HE ALONE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR US.

I remember the question our Pastor mentioned in the prayer meetings, it goes like this, “If we have free will, why do we follow the WILL of the LORD?” A genuinely good question to ask, and it also has a genuinely satisfying answer. It is because, following His will, is the sign of our faith in HIM. When we follow, it means we trust Him, we offer our lives to Him, and we have peace in our hearts with whatever we are experiencing, because we trust that He knows that it is part of our spiritual growth, to become more like Him.

At the end of the day, Love really does not keep a record of wrongs, but it does keep and exalt those who thank for answered prayers.

To God be always the glory!

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Caught Up

I’m caught up.

I started today with this bible verse,

Psalm 35:28

“And my tongue will speak of Your righteousness and of Your praises, all day long.”

I hoped that today would be a productive one, which I think started that way. However, I got distracted by this and that, and the root problem I think is failing to plan ahead what I need to do for the next day, so I end up doing what I just remembered. then I tried jotting down my to-do lists, only to find out that I have lots to do, and that;s just long overdue and discounting my proactive action. It gets very depressing because I don’t have any defense that I was not able to do this or that and it eventually led me to cram up when it’s urgent. And boy, it is a vicious cycle. So here I am, evaluating myself after a day, where I cannot lie ANYMORE, that I have done less work than I should have.

However, that is not what I have been second-guessing all day. It’s the fact that God’s Word is really a double-edged sword. It’s not only used as a guide for people around you, but most of all, it serves as your center, your standard of right and wrong, which leads me to have this big ball of guilt because I purposefully lied to a colleague today, in order to save myself. It’s just so frustrating because that one little white lie (or so you think) was blown out of proportion. I managed to calm her down and just deal with the situation, because there was no other alternative but to just wait. But as soon as I ended the call I was hit by my morning’s devotion. It’s as if, I heard my own voice, whispering in my own ears, the devotion I just had this morning.

Imagine the feeling of participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge?  That’s what I felt, to be reminded. Just that morning I pledged to speak of righteousness, of His praises, and there I was just finished splattering outright lies that would keep me out of trouble. It’s so shameful that I stopped what I was doing and prayed to God for forgiveness. The shame, the shame. It was literally so awful. I really asked for forgiveness, but the feeling was still there.

The result? I was not in the mood to work. It still added to my unproductivity that day, though I managed to finish one task that was most urgent… Out of desperation, here I am, spewing my heart out, because I felt out of sorts, even to the point of seeking the comfort (albeit being temporary) of feeling worthy in someone’s eye.Which is sooooo depressing and not showing the change I hope to see in me. That escalated so quickly, I had to run away from it, in order not to get sucked for an extended period.

Here I am belching it all out, I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to utilize my time wisely, I want to be productive, I want to be disciplined. How is the great, big question.

Bill Hybels wrote in his book, ‘Who Are You When No One’s Looking’, that the key to practicing discipline is to have advanced decision making. ADVANCED DECISION MAKING. So therefore here I am, putting into writing the things I need to accomplish by tomorrow:

  1. Ziah’s birthday -will be spent half of the day, towards the evening.
  2.  Finish the report (FOR REAL this time) so you can go ahead and submit it to the OSHC.
  3. Reconciliation and sending an email to the accountant on what things are needed to prepare for the SEC renewal.

Well, these are my top 3 and I’m sure would take up the time most of the morning.

That’s mostly work-related, but I also want to have an advanced decision when it comes to personal life as well.

  1. You need to wake-up early. It say’s six AM. Wake up at exactly six for your devotion.
  2. Only use your phone when it’s absolutely necessary. STOP CHECKING for updates, for notifications, because the only thing you need to empower your day is through GOD first. If there is one thing that you need, it’s HIS updates and notifications, in order for you to live your life to the fullest, as you want in bottomline.

Ironically, I found this, as I was browsing my feed:12919930_10154850740313569_8183081140513409318_n

He lives in us.

 

Therefore, I must make things according to HIS will and not mine.

This ends my post for today. Lord, YOUR WILL BE DONE.

Thank you for the lessons, thank you for always LOVING me.

 

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Broken, Breakfree BreakThrough Part 2

Here I am late at night tried to continue my previous blog’s theme. I decided to post it as is, grammatical errors and redundancies included; just to showcase how really sleepy I was at the time I was doing it. But today is Easter Sunday, definitely one of the reasons I need to highlight in my life as a disciple of Christ. Another day to internalize and really think of the things that make me HIS follower.

I’d like to congratulate  no, this will not be about me but how good and merciful God is, because I notice that I am now currently and STILL doing my very best to extend that self-control within me. It may seem very easy to fall back to the previous habit of easily getting angered and dragging everyone in the process, but I guess, that’s what the BreakThrough Event does to you, you get hit by the realization that not everything is all about you.

I want to work out the great realization I had just after the CBR (Crosswalk BreakThrough Retreat), and that is APPLICATION is the EVIDENCE of CHANGE. I may attend a million retreats and seminars, but if I just forget about what was shared, then it would be useless. My main goal for now is to align myself with what the Lord wants for me. I want to be consciously thinking about the things I am doing, my reactions on events and happenings in my life and whether HE will be pleased if I do such things. So, APPLICATION therefore starts with the awareness that there are lots that need to be changed.

Here I am Lord, Mold me. Make me the vessel of YOUR LOVE.

I know it will never be a quick change, but it will be gradual. I just hope and pray that  I may sustain this zeal for the longest time and be unceasing.

Thank you Lord. 🙂

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Broken, Breakfree, Breakthrough part 1

I just arrived from our CrossWalk Christian Church’s Breakthrough Retreat. Fresh from the training ground, here I am, pouring my thoughts and realization in the three-day event.

Pre-Event

It was a strange way to open up your Holy Week. Well, at least for me. It was  first, if my memory serves me right, that I have been alone on this specific holiday, because typically, I’d be on outings or vacationing with my other relatives with a lot of activities piled on. That was especially true when I was way younger. When I got involved in the church, Summers are meant to be spent in church, it was vacation bible school here, vacation bible school and swimming with church friends, there. So it was really a sign of change that I was the only one left behind for this holiday. So I was not looking forward to the retreat. I already expected a typical summer program, that’s why my heart was so full of uncertainties, mixed emotions and longing, with a little bit of hidden agenda added into the mix. In short, I was very unprepared, unwilling and feeling unworthy to attend the said equipping program is because I have been ordered to and it is expected of me. Again with my obsession to please others so, there I went.

 

Event Proper

As expected, there are elements that I am already familiar with that occured in this event. However, as I get myself immersed in the MOOD, in the FEELING, I find myself really wanting to make this event worth its while aide from the things that are expected of me. So much expectations lead to so much disappointments, the saying goes, so I decided to really get in and FEEL the presence of the Lord.

To be perfectly honest with myself, I think I can definitely say that i have a longer attention span than others, and if I think that I can learn something from the experience of listening, then my attention span could last longer than the usual. With this, I lasted listening and actively jotting down the answers on the blanks provided in the manual and highlighting what I think are important stuff I need to pay attention more. Outwardly, you can say that I am actively participating  in the marathon sermons. However, in that same day, I know it in myself that I’m having a hard time to really be open up myself and relate to the topics being discussed.

Don’t get me wrong. Yes I understand them; I know that it is correct, but as for the idea that I can see myself doing them and being in that situation, I somehow am truly TOUCHED, I cannot actively relate to that. It appeals to the mind, it explains my beliefs as a DISCIPLE,  but not in the way that I can actively see myself as a whole accepting them and without reservations.

I prayed hard that night. no tears though. I think it became a relative subject that when you truly have been touched by the message, it involves tears, as a sign of evoking your true feelings. However, none was seen that night. I prayed hard not because I need to see tears, but because I wanted to deal my problems and ask for the Lord’s never-ending mercy and glory and forgiveness. I said, “Here I am, Lord, take me, mold me, wash me whiter than the snow. I’m so sick and tired of myself, I truly, really wanted to change.”    At first I asked for radical changes in my life, but I think it is more realistic that I experience gradual change, which for me is a challenge, and also a blessing for me.  My prayer goes, “Heal this heart, make it clean, make it pure, make it appropriate to be called your child, your servant, your disciple.”

You’d think by now I have already dealt with what  I promised myself earlier this year, that I will release baggages of 2015 to stay in the area where it belongs – in the past. But what am I doing? I deliberately place myself in circumstances that my hidden agenda to be fulfilled, albeit the need to concentrate on the event which only wanted me to be equipped as a disciple.

By Day 2, another realization from that day, is that how come if I really wanted to wake up early,  I can, but when I need to but don’t want to, I cannot? Am I a so backward-thinking person now that I make decisions upside down? So as early as three-thirty in the morning, I was there, taking a bath, for me to be able to accomplish the task of personal hygiene early in the morning, as we were advised that it will be a full day, and night ahead. Within the day, we were asked what have we learned from the previous day, do we have spiritual errors that are still visible in my life? I do not believe in horoscopes, but I find them amusing when I find a horoscope mentions things that I think I can relate to. So therefore, I must be careful about that.

When it comes to relational dysfunctions, I cannot help but look back on what happened with A. As I have said earlier, I already left my baggages in the past. It was a certain shock to find out that my hidden agenda, though I tried my best to deny that it was indeed in my list, happened. We finally got the chance to talk, like “Kamusta?” and I just, out of I don’t know, shock, I guess, that I just repeatedly say, “OK lang, OK lang” to the questions he said. He even tried to prolong our bonding when he invited me to join them and forage for food at Ptr. Johnny’s kitchen but only to be seen by the pastor himself that I was there. Of course, it will never look right. So I decided to cut back my moment of hoping that something might be cleared up, and go back to the reason why I am at the retreat. Not my hidden agenda, but the agenda of the Father in my life. It was not the end for that, even though I got slapped a bit by the Lord in that situation. I was put on the spotlight once again by (ewan ko ba kung friend o hindi itong si ) Joshua. where everyone, and I mean everyone was there. Pastora Alona, Tita Carol, his friends and the guy in question. He put me in the spot that I answered without thinking, and responded in the way I would normally-react to him – in jests and sarcasm.  By the way, my pastor and other pastors were there as well, but for the sake of seeing it in my lens, the scene only involved the persons I mentioned earlier. Others were part of the blurred background.. I hope. Good thing that I had to be cut-off because the session has already resumed. I got a bigger slap on the back this time. It’s as of the Lord is saying, “Anak, wala pang 24 hours yung tinuro ko sa’yo, baka nakakalimutan mo na agad.”  With that realization, I was floored. I was literally ashamed of myself, ashamed to face God, how foolish of me.

Good thing that it was already Day 3, and I said that this is the last chance to make myself immersed and be totally reminded of the enormity of GOD’S  love for me. His generosity, in blessings, in forgiveness,  H has unlimited supply. All we have to do, is bow down before his thronwn ad ask for the things we need, not only by our lips, but bu the heart.By the true self in its entirety, for it is only this that you can get to experience the spririt of the Lord. Which is the most amazing thing, as it happens Just imagine, I am this girl who just listens, and seldom obey. This is because  I  believe that I am more capable or intelligent than who ordered it. However, these did not hinder me to brought about the  change in my heart.

—-At this time I’m to sleepy to continue.. I shall return! good night! 09:16 pm

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Hello! from the other side…I guess

It’s funny that I turn to you, because I wanted to complete my own “weekend” ritual. I just took a bath, after a whole day of tossing and turning in bed, reading, checking my social media, and incredibly didn’t even muster the energy to watch Kalyeserye, and finished reading two novels, and it just turned 08:03 pm. Yes I did it even though it’s Monday, I received a call from my dad, got asked by my mom about updates and received a message from my grad school friends. Ooh, and getting a good news from Jayson himself. Yes! Monday is now my new weekend. Or I’d like to believe so.

I just wanted to write down my thoughts, I guess, for I seem to be at loss. No there has been no personal upheavals, schools rewarding though definitely time-consuming, work has always been work,but I’m dealing with it..hopefully, my spiritual life’s not that clear as I’d like it to be.. and me as the basic person,as a woman is in a lull. And all of what I said’s full of shit and I just don’t know with life right now. (Dear future self who will be reading this, please have the skill to sort out the truth and the lie in these statements).

I just wanted to check up on myself, sort out what has really been going on in this rambling mind, and the only think I can do that is to try and write it all down to you.

Let me try to sort my ramblings…right now.

SCHOOL – we rode a mini Anchor’s Away together with my fellow GS mates. it was literally being transported back to childhood, not that I experienced it when I were young. The feels of the rush, the uncertainty of whether you’ll not fall and the delight of being transported way high up in the air is surely what was most unforgettable. I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while, I just realized that I ought to be riding some more extreme rides because adrenaline could be so addictive. I’m thinking about it. Other than the said delightful experience, I cannot help but think about the remaining years I have as a masteral student. Time flies, this is so true and was proven so many times. I must admit I am still at the eye of the storm in my journey, having yet to pass the tougher hurdles, but I can’t help but think of what shall I do next once I finish my graduate school experience. I must admit that it has been a fun ride and a truly life-enriching life-changing experience, especially now that we are faced with reality  that the world is converging slowly thus integration. The analytical part of this brain  could not help but engage to the fact that I should gear up for more, be prepared to be more competitive, to have that edge among others, and could help in the business, or my future plans of migrating….On the other hand,

WORK – has been a very obligatory task for me, although I have to muster the enthusiasm and the heart to do my job and give it my all. I know in my heart that I must pray for what has been really meant for me, but in reality, I know that if not for this job, I am not experiencing the kind of ‘freedom’ I do now with my schedule. Not to mention the fact the expectation I set myself most especially because of my dad. Everybody here’s encouraging me to spill the beans and tell my dad of my plans, but now what? What good will it do if I tell him,  “Dad, ayoko na magtrabaho sa PSSP.” I can just imagine the dismay and his shattered plans, but being the dad  that he is, he still thinks for the family, and just look for the next possible option. I don’t want to be the cause of that disappointment. I don’t want to be the cause of one of his dreams not being able to come true. He has done so much for us, what is another year of my life being given to build his company, right?

SPIRITUAL life – To be totally and perfectly honest, I really really do want to be in a more matured relationship with  Christ. I try to do my best to talk to HIm everyday, to check my decisions if it is deemed fit for HIs plans, but deep inside, I still sin, I still feel insufficient. I know naman na it’s not achieved abruptly, but it’s a constant process, but then again, I don’t really know where I stand. I don’t know where I am going, if I’m on the right track. I hope I am, I hope I can get to a state where I am fervently and zealously in contact with Him, that I feel peace in my life because I walk in accordance to His will. Pero wala… I’m really at loss. Hmm.

As a woman, ewan. Haha! Kainis, puro ewan, puro I don’t know. Eh kasi wala naman silang binigay na manual how to be a woman. Paano ba, what should I do after college, wala namang manual na next after college, I mean, yes in the society where I belong, everybody expects that after college that you “WORK”, meaning become a productive member of the society, but what’s the standard, parang, now I’ve done what is expected of me, na magtapos ng pag-aaral. now what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to follow what I think I should do, or should I follow what the society, the people around me (I think) expects of me? Eh kung baka hindi ko iniisip yung sasabihin ng iba at yung mga tao sa paligid ko, baka I just trot of on my own…BUt let it not be said that I blame others for what I might not be able to do, in fact they encourage me pa nga. eh. Kaso how selfish it would be to think of yourself, just yourself? I am the eldest, the first of the brood, the inaasahang gumawa nito, dapat this, you should be that. I don’t want them to be painted as the bad guys in my story, but that is what I feel, and if I couldn’t be honest in these pages, then where the hell can I be? I’d just put it out in the open whoever gets the patience to read this might as well find out right?

I don’t know.. I wanted to right   write some more, but I don;t know if words will still come out. You’ll know in a bit.

 

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